Day 145 - Autumn and Happy Pills

Autumn began on Saturday. I figured it was the best time to start new, to start fresh! I desperately needed to let go of the anger that was consuming my weekends and spilling into my weekdays. I had too much living to do to hang on any longer and I had to get work back on track. The ex took our daughter Saturday night. I was going to get together with a friend to say goodbye to summer, so I got the wild whim to do my hair & make-up. That is a rarity lately. Then my friend told me she was sick! :( (and I would have made her a nice big juicy steak too!) So I ended up staying home but having done my hair & make-up made me feel good. I'm going to have to start doing that more often!!

I had been mentally composing all day what I was going to say when the ex returned our daughter on Sunday evening. It was the first time we had talked in 2 months. No text messages, no child this, child that. Actual talk. I told him exactly how I had been feeling and for my own sake, it was time to let it all go. It was short and to the point. I literally felt the burden of anger lift.

Later, he sent me messages that (surprise!) were all about how he felt. Wait! My burden's gone. I really don't want to hear how your poor decisions make you feel!

Day 51 - How I'm feeling today

You know how there's a seven year itch with marriages? Well, I think there's a seven week itch with lifestyle changes. My last 3 blog posts have only been my Weigh-In Wednesday posts. I feel like I've had so much going on and so many things pulling me in different directions that I have neglected my blog. That's just a big ol' fat excuse and I HATE excuses, believe me!! And here I am laying it down! What the hell?!

Although it hasn't been all negative. There have been some refreshing and enlightening moments.

Work: My boss flies by the seat of her pants. Always has. Always will. I have been working for her for 8 years, it's not going to change, this I know. We're starting a new project and my issue is that my workload is about a quarter of what it usually is and I've been spending my time branding our name on social media. I used to use social media as "Me" and down time. No longer true. I want to come home and completely unplug.

Kids: They're out of school for the summer. Enough said.

Relationships: I mentioned in one of my first goal blogs that my relationship with men has always been toxic and I needed to stay away. Truth be told, I was still having the occasional chit chat and/or Sunday lunch/dinner with my ex. I was justifying it with the fact that we have a child together. But he was something I really needed to just quit! After our *last* break-up, one of several over the last 7 years, (big sigh) I was crying to a friend of mine how much I loved him. "No you don't! No you don't at all!! You're just comfortable!" I was irritated at the time. Who wants to be told that when they're hurt? All the warning signs were there, I just refused to believe it!

This was my theme song for him Fall by Annelise LeCheminant 

Do you have to be so charming?

Really you should come with a warning,

And save a lot of broken hearts.

I know right where you can start.

.... I don't want to fall.

If you don't fall for me too.

After starting this blog and concentrating on ME for the first time 4 years (I WAS thin & healthy 4 years ago!) I was able to FINALLY quit drinking the poison he was feeding me!! And it wasn't until I recognized the same symptoms in a dear friend of mine that my eyes were finally open and I felt FREE!!!!! SO FREE!!!! I huge weight just lifted off my shoulders!! I was no longer co-dependent on him for my well-being!! He is so negative and so down on life and everything to do with everyday breathing, he had dragged me down and I got comfortable there!

Thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog. It has helped keep me going through the first part of my journey. And the best advice I can give me friend? Start a blog! Start a blog now! I honestly think this blog and commitment to change has saved me from years of heartache!