Day 197 - Coaching with Cara

Yes, I know how to eat healthy. Yes, I know how to exercise. Do I feel like doing it? No. 

My uncle just passed away. :( I went to his funeral yesterday. My cousin read his father's life sketch, recalling something he would ask the kids when they were little:

"Do you know Christopher Columbus?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Benjamin Franklin?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Abraham Lincoln?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Oliver Twittle-Dee?"

"No."

"That's because he gave up!"

I just found out it came from a song. Here I am on day 197 of my 365 day journey and all I want to do is sleep?? I can't give up now!! But to get back on track is easier said than done when you have no motivation and no one to hold you accountable. As long as my kids have clean clothes and food to eat, they don't care if I don't do much else. I'm not dating anyone, doing my hair or make-up isn't a priority and who knows the last time I shaved??

So that's when you get a life coach! I've been reading "Sparkle" and following The Champagne Diet's Cara on her Blog and Twitter It was time to enlist her services! I need a Champagne Makeover!!

Here are my new goals for the week:

* Do my hair and make-up every day.   This may seem silly to some, but when I work from home or my boss' home office, I can go several days looking very scary and could care very little... or even less. I'm still in my pj's right now, but I got up & did my hair & make-up today!! Before noon even!!

* Clean my bedroom.   And by clean, I mean major overhaul!! My room has become dump-ground central! Stash & shut the door! There are even unpacked boxes from my move NINE months ago! It's bringing me down and keeping company with this bad funk I'm stuck in!!

* Go out to lunch with only my mom & kids.   This is a short and long-term goal. In my attempt to re-program my thoughts and actions of the last 40 years, I need to begin to find a new type of relationship with my mom.... that does not include my dad.

And I added one more:

* Even when I'm having a bad day, be mindful of my tone and temper with my children.   It seems soooo much easier to be short & snippety when you're in a bad mood or don't want to be bothered. But I'm the mama. They need me to be kind and loving, not grouchy!

As Cara says, "Healthy is the New Skinny!" And getting rid of the clutter of both environment and mind is part of this healthy process. The weight loss will follow....

Day 194 - Losing All Hope Was Freedom

I'm alive!! I haven't been on here in awhile. Who would've thought "The New Me" was going to be so tough? When I started this blog, I wanted to lose weight; find a way to maximize the hours in my day; and be a better mom.

I knew I had to rid myself of toxic relationships, i.e. MEN. But I didn't know that meant involving my parents. My counselor told me there was nothing I could do for them. It really irritated me. Of course there's nothing I can DO on their behalf. But to say there is NOTHING... No! I can tell them how I feel and then become an example to them and my children. That is not nothing, that is HUGE when coming from a family who likes to sweep everything under the rug!!

When I spoke to them about MY issues and the roles they played in my life, (there was no BLAMING going on!) both of their reactions were of weakness. They have fallen off this mental higher pedestal I had them on. Several emotions soon followed. Sadness. Anger. WTF? Really? I have to accept that my parents are human beings with emotional and self-esteem issues. Perception of my life completely changed.

So "Losing All Hope Was Freedom!" I felt like this was finally it. The place where the new today finally begins. Realizing that my ex was never going to change, ever; my parents can choose to be miserable without me around; my siblings can be for or against me; I know who my true friends are, the rest didn't matter...

But now I feel like I've hit another funk. I just want to sleep. Oh! And don't forget eat & drink!! Sigh. I glanced at the scale this morning, convinced I had put on at least 10 pounds. Only 2. Not that bad.

I NEED TO FIND MY MOJO AGAIN!!!!

Day 175 - Taking Out The Trash

After spilling the beans to a counselor and they just look at you and say, "Okaaay... That's a lot of things, what do you want to start with FIRST?" Yeah. That kind of sucks.

When asked why I think I would stay in a relationship with someone for so long who treated me poorly, there is some soul searching that needed to go on. I'm reading Sparkle my new Bible, and the first exercise is to throw out the trash! Make a list of the ways I would I feel when I've eliminated a toxic person from my life. Obviously, my ex comes to mind. But then there's always that one nagging issue I have learned to ignore.

On Sunday, I went with my best friend to "Dead Man's Curve" to do some thinking and some chucking. I had made a list of everything I hated about my ex that really just needed to go. I did not want to hang onto that hate and anger. I read the list out loud, poked it through a stick, then chucked it off the cliff. TRASH THROWN OUT. It felt really good to let him go!! 

We sat up there drinking coffee and enjoying the peacefulness. It became clear what else I needed to do. That one nagging issue I was avoiding. The elephant in the room.

A couple of days before while doing some "homework" for my next counseling session, I randomly asked my daughter how she felt grandpa treated grandma. As matter-of-factly as the sun rises, "Mostly mean" was her answer. It prompted me to poll other grandkids, with permission from my siblings, of course.

The consensus? Grandpa is mean. *Grandma does nothing about it*

The worst part? They all think of it as "normal" and we as their parents let it happen.

After coming down off the mountain, I took my mom on a drive and we stopped at a park to talk. I let her know about the counseling and my "poll" findings. I felt that if I have any chance of gaining respect for myself and passing that along to my children, we needed to be away from her and my dad. No more sleepovers, no more going to church, no more dinners and get-togethers. My mom could tell that something like this was coming and promised she would do something to change. But the reality of my choice didn't sink in until I showed up last night to remove all of my children's items from her home.

My mom has been my rock. She has always stood by and supported me. She has always been more than willing to take my kids when I need a break. Our family gets together often and we, just like my mom, ignore my dad for the sake of the grandkids. But at what cost to them? I would give my life to ensure my children don't have to go through what I've been through.

Is it being dumped? Is it this blog? Is it turning 40? Because holy crap!! You walk through life, just going with the flow and then everything changes! Everything! And here I thought I just wanted to lose weight!!

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 145 - Autumn and Happy Pills

Autumn began on Saturday. I figured it was the best time to start new, to start fresh! I desperately needed to let go of the anger that was consuming my weekends and spilling into my weekdays. I had too much living to do to hang on any longer and I had to get work back on track. The ex took our daughter Saturday night. I was going to get together with a friend to say goodbye to summer, so I got the wild whim to do my hair & make-up. That is a rarity lately. Then my friend told me she was sick! :( (and I would have made her a nice big juicy steak too!) So I ended up staying home but having done my hair & make-up made me feel good. I'm going to have to start doing that more often!!

I had been mentally composing all day what I was going to say when the ex returned our daughter on Sunday evening. It was the first time we had talked in 2 months. No text messages, no child this, child that. Actual talk. I told him exactly how I had been feeling and for my own sake, it was time to let it all go. It was short and to the point. I literally felt the burden of anger lift.

Later, he sent me messages that (surprise!) were all about how he felt. Wait! My burden's gone. I really don't want to hear how your poor decisions make you feel!

Day 119 - I'm still here!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! What a crazy month August turned out to be!! There I was, minding my own business when everything hit the fan! I had to get the kids registered for school ($!); Dr check-ups for all of them ($!); Tonsillectomy for the youngest (No sleep!); Oldest's birthday and the PARTY for it; (Lots of time & $!) Kids' Trip with Nana; Cousins, cousins & more cousins; Not to mention the man I used to love having his now-not-so-secret new girlfriend moving in with him... Sigh.

I thought the beginning of the year was exhausting with a move and a death in the family. August won by a landslide!! VERY physically & emotionally draining!!

I got a new trainer! Although I was sad to see the first one go, the second one has been much more motivating! He's got double the enthusiasm as the first one, which really helps on the mornings I have to drag my butt out of bed... which is every morning! I missed a few mornings at the gym. I had only been running on 3 to 4 hours of sleep at a time while my daughter was healing. She did not have it good at all!! :'( The pain meds were giving her nightmares so either way, sleep was interrupted. One of the first days I finally ventured to work, I nodded off on the freeway on the way home. Not good. No crashes to report. I quickly got off the freeway!!

So, there is good news to report... Throughout this time, I've maintained my weight! I'm going to give myself another week and post weight loss and I will also measure. New pants are starting to feel baggy! :)

Best news??? Saturday starts SEPTEMBER!! Goodbye August, it was exhausting. I truly hope you've changed by next year, I didn't like you so much this year.

Day 84 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  1
Total Pounds Lost --- 24
Pounds left to go --- 76


Considering how I've felt for the last couple of days, I'm neither surprised, nor disappointed! I'm feeling much better today and this morning, I put everything I had into my workout!!

No, today... I'm okay!

Day 83 - So, I was wrong

I thought I was over my ex completely... seems that I had one last bit left! :(

I got a text message yesterday from a friend saying that a woman is moving in with him. Regrettably, I went on Facebook to check things out. So not only is she moving in, she looks VERY SIMILAR to me and has two kids the same age as my older two. Seven + years I gave this man and only after 3 months, he has a family moving in with him?!? I found it disheartening and very disturbing.
He was trying to kiss me less than a week ago when I dropped off our daughter. Thankfully, she was sticking around and not giving him the chance. I was trying not to let all this bug me, but then he sends me a text message last night telling me how important I am to him... blah, blah, puke.

Let's just say it didn't turn pretty.

I'm hoping that was my Grand Finale with and for him!!! He's definitely a Bastage! (A bastard who holds you emotionally hostage!)

>>>This journey I'm on has a very different aspect after last night<<<


I retweeted this Tweet this morning:

Cynthia Bazin ‏@TheSmartChic

Today is a brand new day! You are smart, beautiful & confident. Believe in yourself & show the world what you've got! Let's get it done!

Thank you Cynthia!! I needed this more than you know!!

Day 51 - How I'm feeling today

You know how there's a seven year itch with marriages? Well, I think there's a seven week itch with lifestyle changes. My last 3 blog posts have only been my Weigh-In Wednesday posts. I feel like I've had so much going on and so many things pulling me in different directions that I have neglected my blog. That's just a big ol' fat excuse and I HATE excuses, believe me!! And here I am laying it down! What the hell?!

Although it hasn't been all negative. There have been some refreshing and enlightening moments.

Work: My boss flies by the seat of her pants. Always has. Always will. I have been working for her for 8 years, it's not going to change, this I know. We're starting a new project and my issue is that my workload is about a quarter of what it usually is and I've been spending my time branding our name on social media. I used to use social media as "Me" and down time. No longer true. I want to come home and completely unplug.

Kids: They're out of school for the summer. Enough said.

Relationships: I mentioned in one of my first goal blogs that my relationship with men has always been toxic and I needed to stay away. Truth be told, I was still having the occasional chit chat and/or Sunday lunch/dinner with my ex. I was justifying it with the fact that we have a child together. But he was something I really needed to just quit! After our *last* break-up, one of several over the last 7 years, (big sigh) I was crying to a friend of mine how much I loved him. "No you don't! No you don't at all!! You're just comfortable!" I was irritated at the time. Who wants to be told that when they're hurt? All the warning signs were there, I just refused to believe it!

This was my theme song for him Fall by Annelise LeCheminant 

Do you have to be so charming?

Really you should come with a warning,

And save a lot of broken hearts.

I know right where you can start.

.... I don't want to fall.

If you don't fall for me too.

After starting this blog and concentrating on ME for the first time 4 years (I WAS thin & healthy 4 years ago!) I was able to FINALLY quit drinking the poison he was feeding me!! And it wasn't until I recognized the same symptoms in a dear friend of mine that my eyes were finally open and I felt FREE!!!!! SO FREE!!!! I huge weight just lifted off my shoulders!! I was no longer co-dependent on him for my well-being!! He is so negative and so down on life and everything to do with everyday breathing, he had dragged me down and I got comfortable there!

Thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog. It has helped keep me going through the first part of my journey. And the best advice I can give me friend? Start a blog! Start a blog now! I honestly think this blog and commitment to change has saved me from years of heartache!