Day 279 - Okay! I have new goals!

Okay, here are my new goals I've been jotting down today...

Exercise. No brainer.

Lose 8 pounds by March 1st. I think that's realistic. (Especially when goal #1 goes into effect).

Hair & Make-Up Daily. I was doing this before, but having a cold makes it the furthest thing on the priority list and I got out of the habit!

Limit TV. The whole sick thing again, I got lazy.

No Wine Sun-Thurs Nights. I enjoy/savor it more on a Friday/Saturday night if I've gone without it all week.

Stop Cursing. Mama's got a potty mouth lately, what's up with that?!?

Come up with a Daily Positive Affirmation. I have two kids currently doing this... and it's WORKING. Duh.

Looking over this list, I know some of them need to be refined. (TV) And I will add "Go to the gym" to the exercise one, because I know it's not going to happen at home. That is where the laziness festers. I will also get a curse jar that I have to put money in, the kids will LOVE that!!

Any comments or suggestions to refine or make these goals more specific are more than welcome! :)

Day 279 - I Need Some New Goals

I'm just coasting through life again!! :( Going straight from a business trip to being sick... and crappy weather doesn't help at all. Excuses, excuses I know! It's just so hard to get your ass moving! (But you know that's the only thing that will help)!

So I am going to come up with some new goals today. I will post them later and STICK TO THEM!! I've got to get out of these winter blues! BADLY!!

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 92 - New Goals

I've decided I need to get out of my head with the whole weight loss thing and re-direct my focuses elsewhere. That's not to say I'm not counting calories or quitting the gym. It means I'm not going to obsess about it.

So here are my new goals... 


1. Weigh-In only twice per week. I already weigh-in on Wednesday morning. I will add Sunday morning... and THAT'S IT!! 


2. I'm going to get home from work in time to walk with my daughter to her new school, so she gets familiar with the path. I will do this three nights per week. Once school starts, I also intend to walk her to school in the morning! (One more month!!! Tick!! Tock!! YAY!)


3. I am going to write a book. It will be work-related and start in the form of a blog post on our website. Eventually I would like it to be an e-book or even soft cover. It will be directed to those who need to be educated about what we do and a link will be forwarded immediately to whomever chooses to work with us. It's been a stressful week and it will help me get a lot off my chest without attacking anyone in particular. I will work on this daily and intend to be done on or before September 30th. (It is not going to be a big book, just informative!)


4. Clean & organize my work office and set-up my home office. I will work on this daily and give myself until August 31st. I need the home office for school!!


So what do you think?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Day 51 - How I'm feeling today

You know how there's a seven year itch with marriages? Well, I think there's a seven week itch with lifestyle changes. My last 3 blog posts have only been my Weigh-In Wednesday posts. I feel like I've had so much going on and so many things pulling me in different directions that I have neglected my blog. That's just a big ol' fat excuse and I HATE excuses, believe me!! And here I am laying it down! What the hell?!

Although it hasn't been all negative. There have been some refreshing and enlightening moments.

Work: My boss flies by the seat of her pants. Always has. Always will. I have been working for her for 8 years, it's not going to change, this I know. We're starting a new project and my issue is that my workload is about a quarter of what it usually is and I've been spending my time branding our name on social media. I used to use social media as "Me" and down time. No longer true. I want to come home and completely unplug.

Kids: They're out of school for the summer. Enough said.

Relationships: I mentioned in one of my first goal blogs that my relationship with men has always been toxic and I needed to stay away. Truth be told, I was still having the occasional chit chat and/or Sunday lunch/dinner with my ex. I was justifying it with the fact that we have a child together. But he was something I really needed to just quit! After our *last* break-up, one of several over the last 7 years, (big sigh) I was crying to a friend of mine how much I loved him. "No you don't! No you don't at all!! You're just comfortable!" I was irritated at the time. Who wants to be told that when they're hurt? All the warning signs were there, I just refused to believe it!

This was my theme song for him Fall by Annelise LeCheminant 

Do you have to be so charming?

Really you should come with a warning,

And save a lot of broken hearts.

I know right where you can start.

.... I don't want to fall.

If you don't fall for me too.

After starting this blog and concentrating on ME for the first time 4 years (I WAS thin & healthy 4 years ago!) I was able to FINALLY quit drinking the poison he was feeding me!! And it wasn't until I recognized the same symptoms in a dear friend of mine that my eyes were finally open and I felt FREE!!!!! SO FREE!!!! I huge weight just lifted off my shoulders!! I was no longer co-dependent on him for my well-being!! He is so negative and so down on life and everything to do with everyday breathing, he had dragged me down and I got comfortable there!

Thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog. It has helped keep me going through the first part of my journey. And the best advice I can give me friend? Start a blog! Start a blog now! I honestly think this blog and commitment to change has saved me from years of heartache!

Day 49 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  0
Total Pounds Lost --- 18
Pounds left to go --- 82


I was bouncing up and down all this last week!! I did super good yesterday... and then nothing! And by super good, I mean food. I think I've been so concentrated on diet, that I let the exercise slip away from me! It didn't help that sometime throughout yesterday, that my pedometer reset somehow and I went to bed with 1,000 steps for the day!!??
I even got my family back from my Mother's Day Meatloaf Dinner by cooking Father's Day Dinner! Lean pork skewers with fresh green beans and green salad with veggies! No carbs!! I attempted to make mashed cauliflower, but it turned into runny baby food. I did not serve it. It was gross.

Time for some new fitness goals!!

Day 12 - Need some tweaking

Last week, I became very irritable. I had just recently pulled myself out of a funk and I felt like I was slipping there again. I couldn't let that happen! I went and checked my daughter out of school on Thursday and we volunteered at a homeless shelter. She always associated homelessness with "Hobos" and was amazed that children lived there. She also didn't understand why they couldn't just go live with family. If she lost her place to live, she would have a list of about 50 family members to call and ask for a place to stay. I tried explaining several factors, an obvious one like no family to turn to, but also deeper ones, such as pride and it wasn't sinking in. We will have to go again very soon!!

On Saturday, I had a reminder in my phone for a Fair that I thought it would be fun to take the kids to. They all had plans. Am I there already?? They're still young! *Sigh*

On Sunday, I didn't sleep well and felt horrible, but I went to church to listen to my kidlets sing me Mother's Day songs. Then I did nothing. Because I felt like doing nothing. But when I felt myself starting to doze off in front of the tv, I got up & cleaned my bedroom. After a recent move, my bedroom has been the most neglected. Stacked boxes everywhere, clothes still in suitcases. But hey, if I haven't taken the time to dig it out by now, I don't really need it. Right?? I threw away a lot of stuff. I'm starting to feel my "oasis" coming back.

I reluctantly went to my parents' for dinner. Not only does my dad not cook the healthiest food, I really wasn't in the mood to hang out with family. They play into that irritable mood I've become so accustomed to. I was the last one to show up, pleased to see my out-of-town brother (unexpected) and less than thrilled with the slice of meatloaf and 3 1/2 beans left. Mmmmmm! Happy Mother's Day! I was then bestowed with flowers, cards and *chocolate* I'm thinking next year needs a little bit more of my involvement & input. Yeah.

My goals for this week are:

* Cut down on coffee consumption, including no coffee after 11am. (I can drink it all day long!!!)
* Try Green Tea - (2) 16 oz bottles per day
* 6-8 servings of fruits/veggies daily

* File and clean off my desk
* Work on a new operations manual

* Buy new batteries for my scale!

Come on!! I can do this!! I'm only on day 12 and they say it takes 21 days to make a habit. NO MORE FUNKS!! Stick with me people! I need the accountability to keep me motivated!! :)