Day 279 - I Need Some New Goals

I'm just coasting through life again!! :( Going straight from a business trip to being sick... and crappy weather doesn't help at all. Excuses, excuses I know! It's just so hard to get your ass moving! (But you know that's the only thing that will help)!

So I am going to come up with some new goals today. I will post them later and STICK TO THEM!! I've got to get out of these winter blues! BADLY!!

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 119 - I'm still here!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! What a crazy month August turned out to be!! There I was, minding my own business when everything hit the fan! I had to get the kids registered for school ($!); Dr check-ups for all of them ($!); Tonsillectomy for the youngest (No sleep!); Oldest's birthday and the PARTY for it; (Lots of time & $!) Kids' Trip with Nana; Cousins, cousins & more cousins; Not to mention the man I used to love having his now-not-so-secret new girlfriend moving in with him... Sigh.

I thought the beginning of the year was exhausting with a move and a death in the family. August won by a landslide!! VERY physically & emotionally draining!!

I got a new trainer! Although I was sad to see the first one go, the second one has been much more motivating! He's got double the enthusiasm as the first one, which really helps on the mornings I have to drag my butt out of bed... which is every morning! I missed a few mornings at the gym. I had only been running on 3 to 4 hours of sleep at a time while my daughter was healing. She did not have it good at all!! :'( The pain meds were giving her nightmares so either way, sleep was interrupted. One of the first days I finally ventured to work, I nodded off on the freeway on the way home. Not good. No crashes to report. I quickly got off the freeway!!

So, there is good news to report... Throughout this time, I've maintained my weight! I'm going to give myself another week and post weight loss and I will also measure. New pants are starting to feel baggy! :)

Best news??? Saturday starts SEPTEMBER!! Goodbye August, it was exhausting. I truly hope you've changed by next year, I didn't like you so much this year.

Day 107 - Belated Weigh-In

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 1
Total Pounds Lost --- 26
Pounds left to go --- 74

I've been caring for my daughter 24/7 for the last week after her surgery... It's like having a newborn again, only getting a few hours of sleep at a time!! I missed a couple of days at the gym and didn't eat stellar, so I'm very pleased with the one pound loss!!

This pretty much sums up my last week...