Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 147 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 0
Total Pounds Lost --- 33
Pounds left to go --- 67

Sigh... BUT!! My gym is having a Fall Weight Loss Competition!! It starts Monday and goes for eight weeks! That is exactly what I will need to keep me motivated and my older kids are going to join in!!!

Day 119 - I'm still here!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! What a crazy month August turned out to be!! There I was, minding my own business when everything hit the fan! I had to get the kids registered for school ($!); Dr check-ups for all of them ($!); Tonsillectomy for the youngest (No sleep!); Oldest's birthday and the PARTY for it; (Lots of time & $!) Kids' Trip with Nana; Cousins, cousins & more cousins; Not to mention the man I used to love having his now-not-so-secret new girlfriend moving in with him... Sigh.

I thought the beginning of the year was exhausting with a move and a death in the family. August won by a landslide!! VERY physically & emotionally draining!!

I got a new trainer! Although I was sad to see the first one go, the second one has been much more motivating! He's got double the enthusiasm as the first one, which really helps on the mornings I have to drag my butt out of bed... which is every morning! I missed a few mornings at the gym. I had only been running on 3 to 4 hours of sleep at a time while my daughter was healing. She did not have it good at all!! :'( The pain meds were giving her nightmares so either way, sleep was interrupted. One of the first days I finally ventured to work, I nodded off on the freeway on the way home. Not good. No crashes to report. I quickly got off the freeway!!

So, there is good news to report... Throughout this time, I've maintained my weight! I'm going to give myself another week and post weight loss and I will also measure. New pants are starting to feel baggy! :)

Best news??? Saturday starts SEPTEMBER!! Goodbye August, it was exhausting. I truly hope you've changed by next year, I didn't like you so much this year.

Day 98 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  1
Total Pounds Lost --- 25
Pounds left to go --- 75


It's ONE! That's better than NONE!! And besides, I'm feeling stronger! On my first day at the gym, the trainer had me stand up from the bench and do an overhead barbell lift, then sit back down... without using my hands to push. :/ I could barely get my ass off the bench!! I would lean forward just to get the umph! to get up!! He would come stand right in front of me and instruct me NOT to bump him on the way up. Seriously?? So yesterday, he had me do the same thing again. I stood straight up. He cheered, "Now THAT'S how you're supposed to do it!!" YAY!

Besides having to put my ex in his place on Saturday night, (big sigh) I had a really good weekend! I went to a little local bistro to pick up a really yummy spinach strawberry salad they have. But when I got there, I thought, "Why not stay?" I had no kids with me, why sit at home and eat all alone? It was very nice! Then I did something I have NEVER done before... I went to a movie by myself! Despite the grammar snob part of me screaming on the inside, I saw "People Like Us." (If you don't know what's wrong with it, don't worry. You're not a grammar snob and you won't mind. Thanks mom!) Yes, I cried and was very reserved about it, being alone in a theater and all. But I am SO glad I saw it there and not home alone. I probably would've been a wreck afterward!!

As far as my goals are going... 

My first one was to quit weighing in every day - DONE! I weighed in on Sunday and it wasn't even that satisfying. I'm thinking I'll just limit it to Wednesdays!

Second was to walk with my daughter - DONE! But now my poor baby is getting her tonsils out. That will be on the shelf for a couple of weeks.

Third was to write a book - DONE! Yes, I said done! I was going to give myself a couple of months to work on it, but I must have really just needed to get that out of me! So not only is it done, I'm published. (bowing) Thank you! Thank you!

Fourth was to work on my office - - Does having the book done make up for this? :) I DID get my home computer diagnosed. It's dead. So I will be working on my laptop from home during my daughter's recovery. Office clutter can wait... I'm a MOM first!!

Popsicle Party!! My House!! Every night for the next 10 to 14 days!!

Day 85 - Theme Song Thursday

I was sooo tired this morning! The thought of going back to sleep for several hours sounded better than anything I have ever tasted. I seriously don't know what made me get up. I'm driving to the gym thinking, "It will be okay, it's upper-body today. No squats." I usually do 3 sets of 15 reps, whatever it is.


Trainer: "OKAY!!" (sets the weights on four different upper body machines) "I want you to do 25 reps on each machine, as FAST as you can. Then get up, do 25 squats, grab these dumbbells, do 25 shoulder presses. Start over, do it again, 3 times!! GO!!"


I closed my eyes...

Day 70 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  2
Total Pounds Lost --- 20
Pounds left to go --- 80


I had unfortunately gained 2 pounds since my last weigh-in, so I really lost four! Joining the gym really helped to get me back on track!! So aside from my body being sore... it's been a good thing! :)
I was hoping for a bigger number after being so good and working out, so to not get discouraged, I got out the measuring tape! I had measured several areas before I started: neck, each upper arm, chest, diaphragm, waist, abs, hips, each upper thigh, each upper knee and each calf. Total inches lost from all areas is 34 inches!!! 4 inches each from my waist, abs & hips, then trickles down to half an inch in places like my neck and calves.
So to see all those changes really helped!! I'll take those two pounds, thank you!! All the way to the clothing store to get new pants! (They are SO baggy!!)

Day 62 - I Joined A Gym!

I couldn't sleep yesterday morning. It was really early. I think to myself, "What do people DO this early?" (Besides my mom, who goes to work at 4am! Crazy, I know!!) The other crazies go to the gym!! I'll join a gym!!

There's me at the gym. Weird. Of course I've been IN a gym before. I have gone on guest passes with friends, but only used the treadmills. I've never been a member of a gym or used that equipment!! Scary!!

(And check out those saddlebags I mentioned in my last post! YUCK!!! I gotta get rid of those!!)

So I have a trainer who is teaching me all I need to know about the machines. I went again this morning and he made me do these things called SQUATS!! Seriously!?? Okay, my office is downstairs. No elevator. Yeah, it sucked.

But HEY! Check this out!!

Best pedometer steps to date!! And that's even with a 7 hour workday and 1 hour commute!!

Can a get a WHOOP! WHOOP!?

Day 61 - New Adventures

I got my Slicing & Dicing done this weekend!! YAY!!

Look at all that yummy produce in my new (to me) fridge!! 

The two oldest kids were gone all last week for camp. One came home sick and spent an entire day on the couch. The other came home (thankfully) excited. I worried about him the most and had nothing to worry about after all!! I was anticipating their arrival home all week and wanted to spend some time with them, but before I knew it they were both gone again!! One to their dad's, the other to my mom's to hang out with cousins. So the littlest, of course, wanted to go too!! Don't they know how much I missed them while they were gone??!!

No, probably not.

It left me time to get all my prep work done for the week, but it also left me lonely. I acquired a fridge, so I had that to work on as well as a huge pile of stinky laundry!

Then I was awake at 3am this morning. I tossed and turned until I realized it was futile. Despite all of my housework yesterday, I really didn't get a good workout in. I thought it was way too early to get on the treadmill and annoy my downstairs neighbors. So I left. Went & joined a gym. Just like that.

I hurt.