Day 175 - Taking Out The Trash

After spilling the beans to a counselor and they just look at you and say, "Okaaay... That's a lot of things, what do you want to start with FIRST?" Yeah. That kind of sucks.

When asked why I think I would stay in a relationship with someone for so long who treated me poorly, there is some soul searching that needed to go on. I'm reading Sparkle my new Bible, and the first exercise is to throw out the trash! Make a list of the ways I would I feel when I've eliminated a toxic person from my life. Obviously, my ex comes to mind. But then there's always that one nagging issue I have learned to ignore.

On Sunday, I went with my best friend to "Dead Man's Curve" to do some thinking and some chucking. I had made a list of everything I hated about my ex that really just needed to go. I did not want to hang onto that hate and anger. I read the list out loud, poked it through a stick, then chucked it off the cliff. TRASH THROWN OUT. It felt really good to let him go!! 

We sat up there drinking coffee and enjoying the peacefulness. It became clear what else I needed to do. That one nagging issue I was avoiding. The elephant in the room.

A couple of days before while doing some "homework" for my next counseling session, I randomly asked my daughter how she felt grandpa treated grandma. As matter-of-factly as the sun rises, "Mostly mean" was her answer. It prompted me to poll other grandkids, with permission from my siblings, of course.

The consensus? Grandpa is mean. *Grandma does nothing about it*

The worst part? They all think of it as "normal" and we as their parents let it happen.

After coming down off the mountain, I took my mom on a drive and we stopped at a park to talk. I let her know about the counseling and my "poll" findings. I felt that if I have any chance of gaining respect for myself and passing that along to my children, we needed to be away from her and my dad. No more sleepovers, no more going to church, no more dinners and get-togethers. My mom could tell that something like this was coming and promised she would do something to change. But the reality of my choice didn't sink in until I showed up last night to remove all of my children's items from her home.

My mom has been my rock. She has always stood by and supported me. She has always been more than willing to take my kids when I need a break. Our family gets together often and we, just like my mom, ignore my dad for the sake of the grandkids. But at what cost to them? I would give my life to ensure my children don't have to go through what I've been through.

Is it being dumped? Is it this blog? Is it turning 40? Because holy crap!! You walk through life, just going with the flow and then everything changes! Everything! And here I thought I just wanted to lose weight!!

Day 161 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 4
Total Pounds Lost --- 37
Pounds left to go --- 63

If you read my last post, you will see that I have taken a "break" from the super focus of weight loss to work on my mental and emotional health. Funny that I've plateaued for the last 2 weeks and when I focus on something else, I lose four pounds!!

I had a dear friend in town this last weekend for her grandmother's funeral. We got together Saturday night and after spending several hours catching up, she says, "You really don't have anything going good for you right now, do you?" I know that sounds harsh, but after hearing for myself every aspect of my life in one sitting, she was right. Uh... I'm alive! That's something, right?

On Sunday, I was doing my normal stuff... watching tv, doing laundry, grocery shopping. I was on Twitter and saw @ChampagneDiet's tweet about her book Sparkle! I downloaded it from Amazon and began reading it. I also ordered the paperback. THAT BOOK IS AWESOME!! I'm not even done but I knew it was time to start celebrating life!!

Although my dad doesn't make the healthiest of dinners, I happily accepted the offer to join my parents for dinner that night. I figured I would just eat what I thought I could and not sweat it. I was there long enough to play a game with my mom, help clean up afterward and I even ate dessert. It was a homemade apple cobbler that my brother made with apples from his own tree. It had very little sugar and was very yummy! I even made an effort to get along with my sister of whom I had distanced myself from.

To the bewilderment of my children, on Monday, I invited my parents over to our house for dinner. I've never done that before outside of a birthday party, it was really nice. We set the table with the "real" plates (the closest thing to china that I have) instead of the plastic ones and got out the champagne flutes. I had made pancakes with fresh fruit, bacon and eggs, so the flutes were filled with either orange juice or milk. I asked everyone to toast to something they were grateful for, which lead into an evening long discussion on gratitude. I got everyone little notebooks to keep daily expressions of gratitude in. My first entry was that I was grateful for my mom!

I picked up some champagne yesterday after work and once again had the flutes out for dinner. I also got sparkling juice for the girls and a fancy water bottle for my son. (He doesn't drink carbonation) It's great to hear what the kids come up with for their toasts!!

So yeah, the four pounds this week is just a bonus!!

(Thank you Cara! :) )

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 147 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 0
Total Pounds Lost --- 33
Pounds left to go --- 67

Sigh... BUT!! My gym is having a Fall Weight Loss Competition!! It starts Monday and goes for eight weeks! That is exactly what I will need to keep me motivated and my older kids are going to join in!!!

Day 107 - Belated Weigh-In

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 1
Total Pounds Lost --- 26
Pounds left to go --- 74

I've been caring for my daughter 24/7 for the last week after her surgery... It's like having a newborn again, only getting a few hours of sleep at a time!! I missed a couple of days at the gym and didn't eat stellar, so I'm very pleased with the one pound loss!!

This pretty much sums up my last week...

Day 90 - I've been at this 90 days???

I know this journey I'm on was meant to be more than weight loss, but the scale isn't moving again and I'm getting discouraged. I've watched every season of The Biggest Loser and I see women get up there for weigh-in, week after week, pulling low numbers. And they cry "I don't know what I'm doing wrong?" Waaaaaaahhh, I think .. *Sometimes saying it out loud* .. Obviously you're doing SOMETHING wrong!! Look at Tara or Kim or Hannah or Olivia... they're ROCK STARS and killing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK!

And here I am at day NINETY... 24 pounds down. Really?? Really pathetic.

I talked to my trainer this morning and he did his "It's All About The Inches" song & dance and suggested I throw away my scale.

I threw away all the crappy food in my house. So I think food wise, if I run into a crunch (which sometimes happens to single, full-time working mothers with an hour commute) I will simply skip a meal as opposed to eating something I shouldn't. Even for dinner, it would be so easy to run to Subway, but I've cut out carbs from dinner. Friends don't let friends drive and eat a salad.

Someone tweeted offering advice. So with my recent struggles in mind, I tweeted back. Here was the reply:

"It's more the need to plan based on our goals. If we want to make progress in health & fitness we must make it a lifestyle."


Blink.


Blink.


I'll ask a woman next time.

Maybe things will calm down once school starts and I won't be getting pulled a dozen different directions all at once. I know that sounds like an excuse (sorry last season's BL) but it's the way it is right now. And I'm pooped. I'd rather sleep than eat good or bad!!!

Day 61 - New Adventures

I got my Slicing & Dicing done this weekend!! YAY!!

Look at all that yummy produce in my new (to me) fridge!! 

The two oldest kids were gone all last week for camp. One came home sick and spent an entire day on the couch. The other came home (thankfully) excited. I worried about him the most and had nothing to worry about after all!! I was anticipating their arrival home all week and wanted to spend some time with them, but before I knew it they were both gone again!! One to their dad's, the other to my mom's to hang out with cousins. So the littlest, of course, wanted to go too!! Don't they know how much I missed them while they were gone??!!

No, probably not.

It left me time to get all my prep work done for the week, but it also left me lonely. I acquired a fridge, so I had that to work on as well as a huge pile of stinky laundry!

Then I was awake at 3am this morning. I tossed and turned until I realized it was futile. Despite all of my housework yesterday, I really didn't get a good workout in. I thought it was way too early to get on the treadmill and annoy my downstairs neighbors. So I left. Went & joined a gym. Just like that.

I hurt.

Day 42 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  5
Total Pounds Lost --- 18
Pounds left to go --- 82

I did better than I thought I would, especially considering I had very very very little motivation over the weekend! I cleared off the DVR for starters! (In my living room because I got rid of the TV in my bedroom, remember?)  I caved and had a glass of wine on Saturday night. But then that lead to crappy sleep and I was wide awake at 4:30 on Sunday morning. One, I shouldn't have had it at all. Two, I could have had it earlier in the night so it wouldn't affect my sleep. Stupid wine. (It was tasty, just not so worth it!)

And once again, my weekends threw me off and I missed some lunches. I was really good with my water intake though! I can't believe how much I'm drinking now when just a short time ago it was making me gag! The lemon thing helped, but I don't always do that anymore!

I did have some successes...

I went to an awards banquet for work. It was at a restaurant I've never been to before and with it being a banquet, I didn't know if we would even have a choice. But when I walked in, I was handed the menu and asked to choose from 4 or 5 different beef, chicken or salmon plates. The salmon said it came with a garlic butter sauce and I asked if I could have it without. Sure thing! YAY! Then they asked, "Chocolate Cake or Cheesecake?" I said neither and the gal looked at me weird. "You don't want dessert?" I almost felt like saying, "A fat woman doesn't want dessert? Crazy, huh?" But I just said no thank you. The meal came with green beans, baked potato and rolls. So I had salmon and green beans for dinner! It was really super tasty and I didn't miss all the extras!

Last week, all the kids wanted to take turns on the "new" treadmill! That's fine with me!! My youngest spent a surprising amount of time on it. She comes out of the room all huffy and sweaty and my oldest daughter says, "Wow! Look at you! You're all sweaty!!" Youngest replies, "No, that's my fat cells crying!!" That's my girl!!! :)

....Onto another week!!!

Day 33 - Your weight loss is noticeable when...

Child: "Mom?"

Mom: "Yes?"

(Hesitantly) Child: "Ummm. Have you been losing weight?"

Mom: "Yes."

(Relieved) Child: "Okay good! I thought so, so I adjusted your avatar on the Xbox!!"

Mom: "Thank you!"

Child: "You're welcome! I'll adjust it again if you lose more weight!" *BIG PROUD GRIN*

Day 27 - Had a great weekend

I got to visit with an out-of-town friend I don't get to see very often. We got together with her family and played games. It was so nice to break from the "norm" and do something fun and relaxing!!

Yesterday, I went with my entire family to take our kids on a train ride. *Not as relaxing* But hey! It was for the kids and I got a lot of walking in! (My feet are really hurting and I need a foot massage! Any takers??)

But Saturday.... it finally came!!! My copy of The Skinny Rules by Bob Harper. I'm almost done reading it. I'm going to officially start when I've completed it. I want to make sure I have everything I need to get started!!! After reading through just a couple of chapters though, I headed to the kitchen and got rid of more stuff out of my cupboards!!

Child: "Why are the cupboards empty?"

Mom: "It's almost summer break. Time for new food!"

Day 23 - I'm A Blessed Mama

I'm starting to reap the benefits of some of my changes. But changes I wasn't expecting. Yes, the scale is moving in the right direction and the jeans are baggy. But since taking the TV out of my bedroom and making the goal to prep for the work week on Sundays, my attention has been focused toward my children. 

**Where it should have been all along**

Instead of the children rummaging through the cupboards & fridge

They have been snacking on apples, pears, cucumbers, celery & carrots all week. We have a big jug with a spout in the fridge, making it easier to just drink cold water now. 

Instead of heading to my bedroom zone out

We eat dinner as a family... at the dinner table!! And I'm the last one to leave. My child looks at me strangely, "What are you doing?" I'm sitting, enjoying my children. "Okaaaaaaaay." They'll get used to it, right? Hopefully I'm not too late!!

Instead of heading to my bedroom zone out

I'm taking my youngest on walks, playing at the park, playing games and I'm giving her more of my undivided attention. It's made a difference with her attitude at school too!

Instead of heading to my bedroom zone out

I cleaned the kitchen last night. I look out the window. One child was mowing the lawn. I look around, another child cleaning. Why couldn't I get them to do their chores before?? DUH!!!

I'm a blessed Mama.

Day 21 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100

Pounds down today ---  2

Total Pounds Lost --- 5

Pounds left to go --- 95


After weighing in last Wednesday and only had lost 1 pound, it really kicked me into gear! So I weighed in last Friday excited for my new changes, but from now on I will keep it to only Wednesdays. So that means I've lost 4 pounds in the last week! If I had just been so determined when I started 3 weeks ago, I'd be down much more by now! But 5 pounds less is in the right direction.


I had another good day yesterday! After dinner, my oldest children had activities so I took my youngest to the park. Then while we were waiting to pick up one of the older children, we walked several blocks of a sidewalk chalk art festival. Getting 75% of my total pedometer steps in after 7pm!!

And my child is enjoying her mom's new-found energy.

We have a date tonight. A walk around the neighborhood 
then countless rounds of Ruckus.

Day 20 - Starting to feel great!!

Yesterday, I ate as planned and got all my water in! YAY! When I got home from work, I put the prepared foil salmon dinners on the bbq grill, giving me time for a walk around the block with my youngest.

So my Sunday work paid off for my eating, my exercise AND time with my children!

I'm still not up to 10,000 steps, but I got "weekend" steps on a work/school day!! So considering I sat at desk for 7 hours and in my vehicle for more than an hour, that's pretty good for me!
Without a TV in my bedroom, I got to sleep about 1 1/2 hours earlier than usual.
I've been wearing my walking shoes consistently. Because who knows when the opportunity to get a walk in will come up in my schedule?? I don't want to be stuck wearing flip flops!!

Oh!! And I haven't mentioned that my jeans feel very baggy today! Because they do! :)

Day 12 - Need some tweaking

Last week, I became very irritable. I had just recently pulled myself out of a funk and I felt like I was slipping there again. I couldn't let that happen! I went and checked my daughter out of school on Thursday and we volunteered at a homeless shelter. She always associated homelessness with "Hobos" and was amazed that children lived there. She also didn't understand why they couldn't just go live with family. If she lost her place to live, she would have a list of about 50 family members to call and ask for a place to stay. I tried explaining several factors, an obvious one like no family to turn to, but also deeper ones, such as pride and it wasn't sinking in. We will have to go again very soon!!

On Saturday, I had a reminder in my phone for a Fair that I thought it would be fun to take the kids to. They all had plans. Am I there already?? They're still young! *Sigh*

On Sunday, I didn't sleep well and felt horrible, but I went to church to listen to my kidlets sing me Mother's Day songs. Then I did nothing. Because I felt like doing nothing. But when I felt myself starting to doze off in front of the tv, I got up & cleaned my bedroom. After a recent move, my bedroom has been the most neglected. Stacked boxes everywhere, clothes still in suitcases. But hey, if I haven't taken the time to dig it out by now, I don't really need it. Right?? I threw away a lot of stuff. I'm starting to feel my "oasis" coming back.

I reluctantly went to my parents' for dinner. Not only does my dad not cook the healthiest food, I really wasn't in the mood to hang out with family. They play into that irritable mood I've become so accustomed to. I was the last one to show up, pleased to see my out-of-town brother (unexpected) and less than thrilled with the slice of meatloaf and 3 1/2 beans left. Mmmmmm! Happy Mother's Day! I was then bestowed with flowers, cards and *chocolate* I'm thinking next year needs a little bit more of my involvement & input. Yeah.

My goals for this week are:

* Cut down on coffee consumption, including no coffee after 11am. (I can drink it all day long!!!)
* Try Green Tea - (2) 16 oz bottles per day
* 6-8 servings of fruits/veggies daily

* File and clean off my desk
* Work on a new operations manual

* Buy new batteries for my scale!

Come on!! I can do this!! I'm only on day 12 and they say it takes 21 days to make a habit. NO MORE FUNKS!! Stick with me people! I need the accountability to keep me motivated!! :)