Day 175 - Taking Out The Trash

After spilling the beans to a counselor and they just look at you and say, "Okaaay... That's a lot of things, what do you want to start with FIRST?" Yeah. That kind of sucks.

When asked why I think I would stay in a relationship with someone for so long who treated me poorly, there is some soul searching that needed to go on. I'm reading Sparkle my new Bible, and the first exercise is to throw out the trash! Make a list of the ways I would I feel when I've eliminated a toxic person from my life. Obviously, my ex comes to mind. But then there's always that one nagging issue I have learned to ignore.

On Sunday, I went with my best friend to "Dead Man's Curve" to do some thinking and some chucking. I had made a list of everything I hated about my ex that really just needed to go. I did not want to hang onto that hate and anger. I read the list out loud, poked it through a stick, then chucked it off the cliff. TRASH THROWN OUT. It felt really good to let him go!! 

We sat up there drinking coffee and enjoying the peacefulness. It became clear what else I needed to do. That one nagging issue I was avoiding. The elephant in the room.

A couple of days before while doing some "homework" for my next counseling session, I randomly asked my daughter how she felt grandpa treated grandma. As matter-of-factly as the sun rises, "Mostly mean" was her answer. It prompted me to poll other grandkids, with permission from my siblings, of course.

The consensus? Grandpa is mean. *Grandma does nothing about it*

The worst part? They all think of it as "normal" and we as their parents let it happen.

After coming down off the mountain, I took my mom on a drive and we stopped at a park to talk. I let her know about the counseling and my "poll" findings. I felt that if I have any chance of gaining respect for myself and passing that along to my children, we needed to be away from her and my dad. No more sleepovers, no more going to church, no more dinners and get-togethers. My mom could tell that something like this was coming and promised she would do something to change. But the reality of my choice didn't sink in until I showed up last night to remove all of my children's items from her home.

My mom has been my rock. She has always stood by and supported me. She has always been more than willing to take my kids when I need a break. Our family gets together often and we, just like my mom, ignore my dad for the sake of the grandkids. But at what cost to them? I would give my life to ensure my children don't have to go through what I've been through.

Is it being dumped? Is it this blog? Is it turning 40? Because holy crap!! You walk through life, just going with the flow and then everything changes! Everything! And here I thought I just wanted to lose weight!!

Day 170 - Hit Another Wall

I weighed-in yesterday and it was a slight loss, but not even a full pound. I haven't been drinking the water I should be which is causing headaches. I went to see a counselor & it didn't help. I know it was only the first time & I just need to keep on keeping on, but I was hoping for even a little relief. My nerves were really getting to me the other day & without realizing it, I was rocking back & forth. My daughter noticed & asked why. I told her it was anxiety. She asked what that was. I asked how she would feel if her teacher asked her to get up in front of the class & sing? She said nervous!!! I said that's how mommy feels all the time. She laughed. This too shall pass.

Day 161 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 4
Total Pounds Lost --- 37
Pounds left to go --- 63

If you read my last post, you will see that I have taken a "break" from the super focus of weight loss to work on my mental and emotional health. Funny that I've plateaued for the last 2 weeks and when I focus on something else, I lose four pounds!!

I had a dear friend in town this last weekend for her grandmother's funeral. We got together Saturday night and after spending several hours catching up, she says, "You really don't have anything going good for you right now, do you?" I know that sounds harsh, but after hearing for myself every aspect of my life in one sitting, she was right. Uh... I'm alive! That's something, right?

On Sunday, I was doing my normal stuff... watching tv, doing laundry, grocery shopping. I was on Twitter and saw @ChampagneDiet's tweet about her book Sparkle! I downloaded it from Amazon and began reading it. I also ordered the paperback. THAT BOOK IS AWESOME!! I'm not even done but I knew it was time to start celebrating life!!

Although my dad doesn't make the healthiest of dinners, I happily accepted the offer to join my parents for dinner that night. I figured I would just eat what I thought I could and not sweat it. I was there long enough to play a game with my mom, help clean up afterward and I even ate dessert. It was a homemade apple cobbler that my brother made with apples from his own tree. It had very little sugar and was very yummy! I even made an effort to get along with my sister of whom I had distanced myself from.

To the bewilderment of my children, on Monday, I invited my parents over to our house for dinner. I've never done that before outside of a birthday party, it was really nice. We set the table with the "real" plates (the closest thing to china that I have) instead of the plastic ones and got out the champagne flutes. I had made pancakes with fresh fruit, bacon and eggs, so the flutes were filled with either orange juice or milk. I asked everyone to toast to something they were grateful for, which lead into an evening long discussion on gratitude. I got everyone little notebooks to keep daily expressions of gratitude in. My first entry was that I was grateful for my mom!

I picked up some champagne yesterday after work and once again had the flutes out for dinner. I also got sparkling juice for the girls and a fancy water bottle for my son. (He doesn't drink carbonation) It's great to hear what the kids come up with for their toasts!!

So yeah, the four pounds this week is just a bonus!!

(Thank you Cara! :) )

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.