Day 200 - THAT!!

I've been working on my new goals... 1) Overhaul my bedroom; 2) Do my hair & make-up daily; 3) Have lunch with my mom & kids; 4) Watch my tone with my kids.

I'm doing my hair & make-up...
Kid #1: "You have make-up on." Yes. Yes I do.
Kid #2: "Where are you going?" Nowhere. "Then why are you putting make-up on?" Because I just want to.
Kid #3: "Wow mommy! You look pretty!"
*There's the proof that this goal was a necessity*

Lunch with mom went a little differently than I hoped, but it was okay. I emailed her at work earlier this week, inviting her to go with me & the kids on Saturday. Her reply? "What bomb are you dropping on me now?" That hurt. But instead of replying with reaction to that, I just brushed it off. We went to a place we've never been to before so it wouldn't feel like the same old routine we usually get stuck in. Like a new start. Things went well until I told her we weren't coming over for Thanksgiving... maybe I did end up dropping a bomb? :(  *Heavy Sigh*

Boy was my bedroom dusty!! I wish I could get rid of the carpet!! I uncovered my bed and treadmill and have been sorting the items in the unpacked boxes. That is where I found a letter from February 1992 sent to me by my BFF. Not only has my soul sister been there for me through everything, and then some, and back again... it wasn't until I read this long lost letter did I realize how long she's been trying to get this message to penetrate my thick skull!!!

At the time she was doing her own life re-evaluation and was filling me in on her journey. At the end of the letter, she wrote:

... "Chris, there's so much to growing up that I never knew about. Happiness isn't in friends or lovers or even God. God put happiness in us. That's why we're human beings not human doings! Happiness and that peace that we've been searching for, it wasn't in drinking or using, it's not in our friends, because no friend can promise they'll be here forever. Fate could kill them tomorrow. It's in your very being deep in the pit of your gut, your soul. That part of you that never changes no matter where you live, how old you are, who you hang with, that part of you that's you and in yourself you find peace."

Day 197 - Coaching with Cara

Yes, I know how to eat healthy. Yes, I know how to exercise. Do I feel like doing it? No. 

My uncle just passed away. :( I went to his funeral yesterday. My cousin read his father's life sketch, recalling something he would ask the kids when they were little:

"Do you know Christopher Columbus?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Benjamin Franklin?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Abraham Lincoln?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Oliver Twittle-Dee?"

"No."

"That's because he gave up!"

I just found out it came from a song. Here I am on day 197 of my 365 day journey and all I want to do is sleep?? I can't give up now!! But to get back on track is easier said than done when you have no motivation and no one to hold you accountable. As long as my kids have clean clothes and food to eat, they don't care if I don't do much else. I'm not dating anyone, doing my hair or make-up isn't a priority and who knows the last time I shaved??

So that's when you get a life coach! I've been reading "Sparkle" and following The Champagne Diet's Cara on her Blog and Twitter It was time to enlist her services! I need a Champagne Makeover!!

Here are my new goals for the week:

* Do my hair and make-up every day.   This may seem silly to some, but when I work from home or my boss' home office, I can go several days looking very scary and could care very little... or even less. I'm still in my pj's right now, but I got up & did my hair & make-up today!! Before noon even!!

* Clean my bedroom.   And by clean, I mean major overhaul!! My room has become dump-ground central! Stash & shut the door! There are even unpacked boxes from my move NINE months ago! It's bringing me down and keeping company with this bad funk I'm stuck in!!

* Go out to lunch with only my mom & kids.   This is a short and long-term goal. In my attempt to re-program my thoughts and actions of the last 40 years, I need to begin to find a new type of relationship with my mom.... that does not include my dad.

And I added one more:

* Even when I'm having a bad day, be mindful of my tone and temper with my children.   It seems soooo much easier to be short & snippety when you're in a bad mood or don't want to be bothered. But I'm the mama. They need me to be kind and loving, not grouchy!

As Cara says, "Healthy is the New Skinny!" And getting rid of the clutter of both environment and mind is part of this healthy process. The weight loss will follow....

Day 194 - Losing All Hope Was Freedom

I'm alive!! I haven't been on here in awhile. Who would've thought "The New Me" was going to be so tough? When I started this blog, I wanted to lose weight; find a way to maximize the hours in my day; and be a better mom.

I knew I had to rid myself of toxic relationships, i.e. MEN. But I didn't know that meant involving my parents. My counselor told me there was nothing I could do for them. It really irritated me. Of course there's nothing I can DO on their behalf. But to say there is NOTHING... No! I can tell them how I feel and then become an example to them and my children. That is not nothing, that is HUGE when coming from a family who likes to sweep everything under the rug!!

When I spoke to them about MY issues and the roles they played in my life, (there was no BLAMING going on!) both of their reactions were of weakness. They have fallen off this mental higher pedestal I had them on. Several emotions soon followed. Sadness. Anger. WTF? Really? I have to accept that my parents are human beings with emotional and self-esteem issues. Perception of my life completely changed.

So "Losing All Hope Was Freedom!" I felt like this was finally it. The place where the new today finally begins. Realizing that my ex was never going to change, ever; my parents can choose to be miserable without me around; my siblings can be for or against me; I know who my true friends are, the rest didn't matter...

But now I feel like I've hit another funk. I just want to sleep. Oh! And don't forget eat & drink!! Sigh. I glanced at the scale this morning, convinced I had put on at least 10 pounds. Only 2. Not that bad.

I NEED TO FIND MY MOJO AGAIN!!!!

Day 175 - Taking Out The Trash

After spilling the beans to a counselor and they just look at you and say, "Okaaay... That's a lot of things, what do you want to start with FIRST?" Yeah. That kind of sucks.

When asked why I think I would stay in a relationship with someone for so long who treated me poorly, there is some soul searching that needed to go on. I'm reading Sparkle my new Bible, and the first exercise is to throw out the trash! Make a list of the ways I would I feel when I've eliminated a toxic person from my life. Obviously, my ex comes to mind. But then there's always that one nagging issue I have learned to ignore.

On Sunday, I went with my best friend to "Dead Man's Curve" to do some thinking and some chucking. I had made a list of everything I hated about my ex that really just needed to go. I did not want to hang onto that hate and anger. I read the list out loud, poked it through a stick, then chucked it off the cliff. TRASH THROWN OUT. It felt really good to let him go!! 

We sat up there drinking coffee and enjoying the peacefulness. It became clear what else I needed to do. That one nagging issue I was avoiding. The elephant in the room.

A couple of days before while doing some "homework" for my next counseling session, I randomly asked my daughter how she felt grandpa treated grandma. As matter-of-factly as the sun rises, "Mostly mean" was her answer. It prompted me to poll other grandkids, with permission from my siblings, of course.

The consensus? Grandpa is mean. *Grandma does nothing about it*

The worst part? They all think of it as "normal" and we as their parents let it happen.

After coming down off the mountain, I took my mom on a drive and we stopped at a park to talk. I let her know about the counseling and my "poll" findings. I felt that if I have any chance of gaining respect for myself and passing that along to my children, we needed to be away from her and my dad. No more sleepovers, no more going to church, no more dinners and get-togethers. My mom could tell that something like this was coming and promised she would do something to change. But the reality of my choice didn't sink in until I showed up last night to remove all of my children's items from her home.

My mom has been my rock. She has always stood by and supported me. She has always been more than willing to take my kids when I need a break. Our family gets together often and we, just like my mom, ignore my dad for the sake of the grandkids. But at what cost to them? I would give my life to ensure my children don't have to go through what I've been through.

Is it being dumped? Is it this blog? Is it turning 40? Because holy crap!! You walk through life, just going with the flow and then everything changes! Everything! And here I thought I just wanted to lose weight!!

Day 170 - Hit Another Wall

I weighed-in yesterday and it was a slight loss, but not even a full pound. I haven't been drinking the water I should be which is causing headaches. I went to see a counselor & it didn't help. I know it was only the first time & I just need to keep on keeping on, but I was hoping for even a little relief. My nerves were really getting to me the other day & without realizing it, I was rocking back & forth. My daughter noticed & asked why. I told her it was anxiety. She asked what that was. I asked how she would feel if her teacher asked her to get up in front of the class & sing? She said nervous!!! I said that's how mommy feels all the time. She laughed. This too shall pass.

Day 161 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 4
Total Pounds Lost --- 37
Pounds left to go --- 63

If you read my last post, you will see that I have taken a "break" from the super focus of weight loss to work on my mental and emotional health. Funny that I've plateaued for the last 2 weeks and when I focus on something else, I lose four pounds!!

I had a dear friend in town this last weekend for her grandmother's funeral. We got together Saturday night and after spending several hours catching up, she says, "You really don't have anything going good for you right now, do you?" I know that sounds harsh, but after hearing for myself every aspect of my life in one sitting, she was right. Uh... I'm alive! That's something, right?

On Sunday, I was doing my normal stuff... watching tv, doing laundry, grocery shopping. I was on Twitter and saw @ChampagneDiet's tweet about her book Sparkle! I downloaded it from Amazon and began reading it. I also ordered the paperback. THAT BOOK IS AWESOME!! I'm not even done but I knew it was time to start celebrating life!!

Although my dad doesn't make the healthiest of dinners, I happily accepted the offer to join my parents for dinner that night. I figured I would just eat what I thought I could and not sweat it. I was there long enough to play a game with my mom, help clean up afterward and I even ate dessert. It was a homemade apple cobbler that my brother made with apples from his own tree. It had very little sugar and was very yummy! I even made an effort to get along with my sister of whom I had distanced myself from.

To the bewilderment of my children, on Monday, I invited my parents over to our house for dinner. I've never done that before outside of a birthday party, it was really nice. We set the table with the "real" plates (the closest thing to china that I have) instead of the plastic ones and got out the champagne flutes. I had made pancakes with fresh fruit, bacon and eggs, so the flutes were filled with either orange juice or milk. I asked everyone to toast to something they were grateful for, which lead into an evening long discussion on gratitude. I got everyone little notebooks to keep daily expressions of gratitude in. My first entry was that I was grateful for my mom!

I picked up some champagne yesterday after work and once again had the flutes out for dinner. I also got sparkling juice for the girls and a fancy water bottle for my son. (He doesn't drink carbonation) It's great to hear what the kids come up with for their toasts!!

So yeah, the four pounds this week is just a bonus!!

(Thank you Cara! :) )

Day 157 - Realization Day

Ever have those times that every day feels like you're just going through the motions? Waking up ready to face the train that's going to run you down. You're not sure what that train is going to be... This kid in the morning? The other kid in the afternoon? The other kid RANDOMLY? Work? Ex? Lack of Motivation? Exhaustion? Emotions? Depression? But it's inevitable. It's going to happen. Something will run me down.

That is exactly my to-do list!! Every day something has been making me cry. Tough day with one kid, cry. Get yelled at from another kid, cry. Take a look at my bank account, cry. Stare blankly at my work to-do list, cry. Have a feeling of missing my ex, >get mad at myself< cry. Get on the scale, cry. Driving my commute, cry. Etcetera; Etcetera; Etcetera!

I'm tired of being tired! This is supposed to be a good and positive journey, right?? This is when a re-evaluation is in order. So here's my breakfast for the day.

My weight: I've been losing it for my ex. There, I said it. When I lost weight several years ago, it seemed to just fly off. This time, it's been a struggle. I know I'm older now, but not THAT much older! So what is my motivation now as opposed to last time? Last time I was doing it for my CHILDREN! I remember thinking that if I could quickly get it off, they would have vague memories of me being fat! And that I would be a fun, fit and healthy mom who would be around for years!! I got back together with my ex after I had lost that weight and he told me I was too skinny! I slowly allowed myself to eat myself back up to my previous weight ...and then some!! And then he dumped me.

Which leads into my current funk. Yes, everyone who gets dumped feels scorned. But he did it in such a low-down, cruel way, it really took me for a ride I wasn't prepared for!! It made me question myself and everything I've ever done with and for him for the last 7 1/2 years. Was it all a lie? He is a sociopath? Did I fall in love with a sociopath?!? What does that say about me?! Then I get these moments when I miss him and it makes me so mad!!

My work: It's been a struggle to become motivated, which is affecting me greatly. Our systems at work got a big ol' Snow Globe of Life shake, and the snow has yet to settle. My bank account is getting low and I had a moment of sheer fear this last week. I cancelled my gym membership and for the first time in my life, made a visit to the local food pantry for a pick-up instead of a drop-off. Talk about hard pill to swallow! That one sucked!! I had just paid October's rent and how things have been going lately, could not see far enough ahead to think that things would come together to have enough for November's!! And we also have 2 November birthdays!

Which comes to my next realization. My health: The stress over work and money is enough to be causing me to toss and turn. I've been getting headaches every day. I try to get to bed as soon as my children allow me to every night, which ranges from 9 to 11. But no matter what, I was getting up at 5:00 to go to the gym. So maybe it's a good thing I cancelled (for now) because while working out is important, so is not being admitted to the hospital for exhaustion... without insurance!

The biggest realization of all. My Mom: You're probably thinking, "Your mom? You've never talked about your mom!?" Exactly. I've been neglecting her!! She has always been my biggest supporter and best friend. My ex hated family activities, or even hanging out with family like for Sunday dinners, etc. And I chose him. Every weekend I've been at home alone wallowing in my misery and trying to come up with things to mask my loneliness. I'M DONE. My dear mother is on page one of my book from this point forward. Everything else will fall into it's rightful place.

My new goals:

1- Spend every day visiting or doing something for my mom.

2- Get counseling. I believe the stress and loneliness are causing depression and it's not fair to me or my children.

3- Continue to eat healthy meals.

4- Walk every day.

5- Allow myself to miss my ex... then let it go.

6- Learn how to meditate, then teach it to my children.

Day 149 - Cheat Day

Cheat Meal n. By setting aside one day a week to eat junk food or whatever you want you take control of your cravings and eat on your terms. This is often referred to as a “cheat meal” because you are deliberately cheating on your diet.

But when it becomes a Cheat DAY??? BAD!! BAD!! BAD!! I know!!!! 

My gym's Weight Loss Challenge begins on Monday. It will be for the next 8 weeks which will coincide with SEVEN (yes, 7!!) family members' birthdays, Halloween AND Thanksgiving!! I fully intend to KICK SOME BUTT!! I LOVE COMPETITION and I will stay strong through all of those celebrations!!

So... if there are a few things I need to get out of my system this weekend, I will... And not feel bad! 

My birthday is the weekend after the competition ends! <maniacal laugh! maniacal laugh!>

Day 147 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 0
Total Pounds Lost --- 33
Pounds left to go --- 67

Sigh... BUT!! My gym is having a Fall Weight Loss Competition!! It starts Monday and goes for eight weeks! That is exactly what I will need to keep me motivated and my older kids are going to join in!!!

Day 145 - Autumn and Happy Pills

Autumn began on Saturday. I figured it was the best time to start new, to start fresh! I desperately needed to let go of the anger that was consuming my weekends and spilling into my weekdays. I had too much living to do to hang on any longer and I had to get work back on track. The ex took our daughter Saturday night. I was going to get together with a friend to say goodbye to summer, so I got the wild whim to do my hair & make-up. That is a rarity lately. Then my friend told me she was sick! :( (and I would have made her a nice big juicy steak too!) So I ended up staying home but having done my hair & make-up made me feel good. I'm going to have to start doing that more often!!

I had been mentally composing all day what I was going to say when the ex returned our daughter on Sunday evening. It was the first time we had talked in 2 months. No text messages, no child this, child that. Actual talk. I told him exactly how I had been feeling and for my own sake, it was time to let it all go. It was short and to the point. I literally felt the burden of anger lift.

Later, he sent me messages that (surprise!) were all about how he felt. Wait! My burden's gone. I really don't want to hear how your poor decisions make you feel!

Day 140 - I'm Hungry??

So I missed the gym this morning. My alarm went off, I hit what I thought was snooze... an hour later. Oops!! Crap.

I ate breakfast then got ready & headed to work and I was STARVING!! I had my first snack when I got to work. Then like an hour later, I was STARVING again! I ate my lunch an hour earlier than usual and I'm now eating my afternoon snack. Looking at the clock, dinner is HOURS AWAY!! WTH??

So is it because I missed the gym?? Or is it just one of those days?

Day 140 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 1
Total Pounds Lost --- 33
Pounds left to go --- 67

With a 5 pound loss last week, I'm not too surprised with the 1 pound this week! But I also didn't have as successful of a weekend either. I let myself get in my slump again. Sigh. I am determined to have a better weekend this next one!!! I'm going to plan a hike for Sunday!! The weather is getting cooler and the chances are going to get fewer and fewer. It's going to be beautiful! I can't wait!!

My son joined me at the gym the other morning! :) Each day he was asking what movie was on, so I invited him along! I worked out while he stayed on the treadmill to watch The Avengers! He was too tired the next day, but it would be great if he can start going with me on a regular basis!!

Day 133 - Weigh-In Wednesday & Successful Weekend

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- >>>>> 5 <<<<<
Total Pounds Lost --- 32
Pounds left to go --- 68

FINALLY!! I have a breakthrough!! FIVE POUNDS!! WAHOO!!

I think a lot of it comes from being more mindful of my past week and having a successful weekend!!

I kept the kids around as long as I could on Saturday. We did chores and then sat around playing games. When it was time for them to leave, I insisted they be picked up, eliminating the urge to drive past the wine store! I watched TV until the store was closed. I had resisted! YAY!!

In celebration, I decided to have a splurge dinner.... but I took it one step (<--- Ha ha!!) further! I decided to WALK to get my splurge meal! I put on my walking shoes and headed to the store. Along the way, I was mentally concocting this magnificent splurge meal.

Beef! No... that's too much. Salmon! Ummm. Yeah, Salmon! With a shrimp Bearnaise sauce! Yeah!!! I'll be a little good and get asparagus to steam. (And smother with Bearnaise!) Hmmmm... what else?? Rolls!! I LOVE ROLLS!! Yeah, I'll get rolls!! Garlic rolls!! Dessert? Should I get dessert??

I get to the store, get the Salmon and I already had shrimp at home. Go over to the produce and get the asparagus and a lemon. Get the Bearnaise packet and head over to the bakery. Late Saturday evenings leave much to be desired. The good stuff was gone, so I headed to the freezer section. There were two packages staring at me. Yummy gooey garlic *white* bread rolls and the whole grain ones right next to them! I looked back and forth. Back and forth. Sigh. FINE!! I'll get the whole grain ones and just add garlic at home!! Then I turn to leave and see the ice cream section!! Hmmm... let's just have a peek... I got some Greek frozen yogurt bars.

I walk back home, the whole trip taking me about an hour. Pretty good, I thought. I get the salmon on the  BBQ grill, I'm working on everything else and then realize... I cleaned out my fridge and cupboards!! I have NO BUTTER to make the Bearnaise!! So I bagged it. I wasn't going to go back to the store!!

I enjoyed a yummy dinner of salmon, steamed asparagus and whole grain rolls. I watched a little tv, cleaned up and then went to bed. It wasn't until I went to get some ice cubes the next day that I saw the unopened box of frozen yogurt bars in the freezer...... so much for a SPLURGE meal, huh??? LOL

What I was craving

Closer to what actually happened

OH WELL!!

Sunday, I got all my dinners prepped for the week!! And I felt great!! :)

Day 127 - I have W.A.D.

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 1
Total Pounds Lost --- 27
Pounds left to go --- 73

I have come to a realization. Have you heard of S.A.D? Seasonal Affective Disorder. I have W.A.D. Weekend Affective Disorder. Please know that I am not making light of S.A.D! I seriously get into such a funk on the weekends, all I want to do is drink & sleep! I'm self-sabotaging my own efforts! I go to the gym all week, eat great all week, then sink into a depression on Saturday night & Sunday, rolling into Monday, which already sucks. It doesn't help that my kids are gone. But I can't force them to stay home. I need help!!!

I have been struggling with the "A" word. You know, the whole denial thing. But during the week when I'm making healthy choices and being super mom, it's not an issue. So I wonder??

I know I have to come up with a solution. And quickly. It has to include getting out of my house!!

One idea I had was I came across a website asking for volunteers to come help make sandwiches, which they distribute to the homeless. 

....Now I need more ideas!! {Insert below!}

Day 119 - I'm still here!!!!

Oh my goodness!!! What a crazy month August turned out to be!! There I was, minding my own business when everything hit the fan! I had to get the kids registered for school ($!); Dr check-ups for all of them ($!); Tonsillectomy for the youngest (No sleep!); Oldest's birthday and the PARTY for it; (Lots of time & $!) Kids' Trip with Nana; Cousins, cousins & more cousins; Not to mention the man I used to love having his now-not-so-secret new girlfriend moving in with him... Sigh.

I thought the beginning of the year was exhausting with a move and a death in the family. August won by a landslide!! VERY physically & emotionally draining!!

I got a new trainer! Although I was sad to see the first one go, the second one has been much more motivating! He's got double the enthusiasm as the first one, which really helps on the mornings I have to drag my butt out of bed... which is every morning! I missed a few mornings at the gym. I had only been running on 3 to 4 hours of sleep at a time while my daughter was healing. She did not have it good at all!! :'( The pain meds were giving her nightmares so either way, sleep was interrupted. One of the first days I finally ventured to work, I nodded off on the freeway on the way home. Not good. No crashes to report. I quickly got off the freeway!!

So, there is good news to report... Throughout this time, I've maintained my weight! I'm going to give myself another week and post weight loss and I will also measure. New pants are starting to feel baggy! :)

Best news??? Saturday starts SEPTEMBER!! Goodbye August, it was exhausting. I truly hope you've changed by next year, I didn't like you so much this year.

Day 107 - Belated Weigh-In

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today --- 1
Total Pounds Lost --- 26
Pounds left to go --- 74

I've been caring for my daughter 24/7 for the last week after her surgery... It's like having a newborn again, only getting a few hours of sleep at a time!! I missed a couple of days at the gym and didn't eat stellar, so I'm very pleased with the one pound loss!!

This pretty much sums up my last week...

Day 98 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  1
Total Pounds Lost --- 25
Pounds left to go --- 75


It's ONE! That's better than NONE!! And besides, I'm feeling stronger! On my first day at the gym, the trainer had me stand up from the bench and do an overhead barbell lift, then sit back down... without using my hands to push. :/ I could barely get my ass off the bench!! I would lean forward just to get the umph! to get up!! He would come stand right in front of me and instruct me NOT to bump him on the way up. Seriously?? So yesterday, he had me do the same thing again. I stood straight up. He cheered, "Now THAT'S how you're supposed to do it!!" YAY!

Besides having to put my ex in his place on Saturday night, (big sigh) I had a really good weekend! I went to a little local bistro to pick up a really yummy spinach strawberry salad they have. But when I got there, I thought, "Why not stay?" I had no kids with me, why sit at home and eat all alone? It was very nice! Then I did something I have NEVER done before... I went to a movie by myself! Despite the grammar snob part of me screaming on the inside, I saw "People Like Us." (If you don't know what's wrong with it, don't worry. You're not a grammar snob and you won't mind. Thanks mom!) Yes, I cried and was very reserved about it, being alone in a theater and all. But I am SO glad I saw it there and not home alone. I probably would've been a wreck afterward!!

As far as my goals are going... 

My first one was to quit weighing in every day - DONE! I weighed in on Sunday and it wasn't even that satisfying. I'm thinking I'll just limit it to Wednesdays!

Second was to walk with my daughter - DONE! But now my poor baby is getting her tonsils out. That will be on the shelf for a couple of weeks.

Third was to write a book - DONE! Yes, I said done! I was going to give myself a couple of months to work on it, but I must have really just needed to get that out of me! So not only is it done, I'm published. (bowing) Thank you! Thank you!

Fourth was to work on my office - - Does having the book done make up for this? :) I DID get my home computer diagnosed. It's dead. So I will be working on my laptop from home during my daughter's recovery. Office clutter can wait... I'm a MOM first!!

Popsicle Party!! My House!! Every night for the next 10 to 14 days!!

Day 92 - New Goals

I've decided I need to get out of my head with the whole weight loss thing and re-direct my focuses elsewhere. That's not to say I'm not counting calories or quitting the gym. It means I'm not going to obsess about it.

So here are my new goals... 


1. Weigh-In only twice per week. I already weigh-in on Wednesday morning. I will add Sunday morning... and THAT'S IT!! 


2. I'm going to get home from work in time to walk with my daughter to her new school, so she gets familiar with the path. I will do this three nights per week. Once school starts, I also intend to walk her to school in the morning! (One more month!!! Tick!! Tock!! YAY!)


3. I am going to write a book. It will be work-related and start in the form of a blog post on our website. Eventually I would like it to be an e-book or even soft cover. It will be directed to those who need to be educated about what we do and a link will be forwarded immediately to whomever chooses to work with us. It's been a stressful week and it will help me get a lot off my chest without attacking anyone in particular. I will work on this daily and intend to be done on or before September 30th. (It is not going to be a big book, just informative!)


4. Clean & organize my work office and set-up my home office. I will work on this daily and give myself until August 31st. I need the home office for school!!


So what do you think?? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!

Day 91 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100  
Pounds down today ---  0
Total Pounds Lost --- 24
Pounds left to go --- 76


If you read yesterday's post, you won't be surprised by today's results. I was pretty down because when I lost weight several years ago, I had lost more than 20 pounds my first month!! Then my biggest supporter reminded me that I'm a quarter into my 365 day goal to lose 100 pounds and 24 pounds is close enough to a quarter of a 100 pounds to count! So I'm right on track!


Step back.


Re-evaluate.


Okay. Big Sigh. And besides... I gained it all back. I'm doing it differently this time!!


Then I read Jillian Michael's Facebook post from this morning:

"Tip for the day: STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP. Give yourself a break will you. All masters started out as students. You can’t be amazing at something over night. It takes time and patience. The same goes for exercise. Don’t have unrealistic expectations from yourself like running 3 miles next week. Instead, take the time to learn the basics: Proper form for each exercise, build muscle memory, build up your endurance and cardiovascular strength. Remember, Rome was not built in a day and neither is a healthy body."


Thank you! I feel better today!!

Day 90 - I've been at this 90 days???

I know this journey I'm on was meant to be more than weight loss, but the scale isn't moving again and I'm getting discouraged. I've watched every season of The Biggest Loser and I see women get up there for weigh-in, week after week, pulling low numbers. And they cry "I don't know what I'm doing wrong?" Waaaaaaahhh, I think .. *Sometimes saying it out loud* .. Obviously you're doing SOMETHING wrong!! Look at Tara or Kim or Hannah or Olivia... they're ROCK STARS and killing it EVERY SINGLE WEEK!

And here I am at day NINETY... 24 pounds down. Really?? Really pathetic.

I talked to my trainer this morning and he did his "It's All About The Inches" song & dance and suggested I throw away my scale.

I threw away all the crappy food in my house. So I think food wise, if I run into a crunch (which sometimes happens to single, full-time working mothers with an hour commute) I will simply skip a meal as opposed to eating something I shouldn't. Even for dinner, it would be so easy to run to Subway, but I've cut out carbs from dinner. Friends don't let friends drive and eat a salad.

Someone tweeted offering advice. So with my recent struggles in mind, I tweeted back. Here was the reply:

"It's more the need to plan based on our goals. If we want to make progress in health & fitness we must make it a lifestyle."


Blink.


Blink.


I'll ask a woman next time.

Maybe things will calm down once school starts and I won't be getting pulled a dozen different directions all at once. I know that sounds like an excuse (sorry last season's BL) but it's the way it is right now. And I'm pooped. I'd rather sleep than eat good or bad!!!

Day 85 - Theme Song Thursday

I was sooo tired this morning! The thought of going back to sleep for several hours sounded better than anything I have ever tasted. I seriously don't know what made me get up. I'm driving to the gym thinking, "It will be okay, it's upper-body today. No squats." I usually do 3 sets of 15 reps, whatever it is.


Trainer: "OKAY!!" (sets the weights on four different upper body machines) "I want you to do 25 reps on each machine, as FAST as you can. Then get up, do 25 squats, grab these dumbbells, do 25 shoulder presses. Start over, do it again, 3 times!! GO!!"


I closed my eyes...

Day 84 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  1
Total Pounds Lost --- 24
Pounds left to go --- 76


Considering how I've felt for the last couple of days, I'm neither surprised, nor disappointed! I'm feeling much better today and this morning, I put everything I had into my workout!!

No, today... I'm okay!

Day 83 - So, I was wrong

I thought I was over my ex completely... seems that I had one last bit left! :(

I got a text message yesterday from a friend saying that a woman is moving in with him. Regrettably, I went on Facebook to check things out. So not only is she moving in, she looks VERY SIMILAR to me and has two kids the same age as my older two. Seven + years I gave this man and only after 3 months, he has a family moving in with him?!? I found it disheartening and very disturbing.
He was trying to kiss me less than a week ago when I dropped off our daughter. Thankfully, she was sticking around and not giving him the chance. I was trying not to let all this bug me, but then he sends me a text message last night telling me how important I am to him... blah, blah, puke.

Let's just say it didn't turn pretty.

I'm hoping that was my Grand Finale with and for him!!! He's definitely a Bastage! (A bastard who holds you emotionally hostage!)

>>>This journey I'm on has a very different aspect after last night<<<


I retweeted this Tweet this morning:

Cynthia Bazin ‏@TheSmartChic

Today is a brand new day! You are smart, beautiful & confident. Believe in yourself & show the world what you've got! Let's get it done!

Thank you Cynthia!! I needed this more than you know!!

Day 82 - Simple Pleasures

So, yes. I did buy new jeans that were 2 sizes smaller. Victory! Right? Well, it didn't feel very satisfying. It felt more like a necessity. (And common courtesy when going out in public!!) And the baggy jeans were driving me nuts!

I have quit so many things and people for that matter, I needed to find a small thrill in SOMETHING!!

I just hit a milestone after passing the 20 pound loss, so I needed to treat myself to something other than jeans. 

Here it is.

It made me happy!! :)

I had quit drinking coffee, mostly because I was drinking a pot a day, sometimes more, and into the evening hours. Now I can have one cup in the morning and call it good!

Day 77 - Weigh-In Wednesday & New Jeans!

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  3
Total Pounds Lost --- 23
Pounds left to go --- 77

YAY!! I'm headed down again! And I'm starting to feel it! 

I was able to skip a size! Look!! In the store with baggy 24s, out with tight 20s!! HA! Yes, they are a bit tight, but if they zip, button & buckle, I'm not wasting money on 22s!! My trainer says he wants to see me get to an 8! When I lost the weight before, I was in a 10. I'm SO ready to have this fat off of me!!

Day 75 - When people start to notice your weight loss

Co-Worker: "Have you been losing weight?"

Me: "Yes."

Co-Worker: "I thought so! Good for you!"

Now, before you think, "Awww, how nice!" Don't. This is the same co-worker that said not too long ago....

Co-Worker: "Have you been putting the weight back on?"

Me: "Uhhhhh... yes."

Co-Worker: "I thought so! That's too bad!" Then shook her head with a tisk tisk tisk...

I know, right?!?!?

Day 70 - Weigh-In Wednesday

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  2
Total Pounds Lost --- 20
Pounds left to go --- 80


I had unfortunately gained 2 pounds since my last weigh-in, so I really lost four! Joining the gym really helped to get me back on track!! So aside from my body being sore... it's been a good thing! :)
I was hoping for a bigger number after being so good and working out, so to not get discouraged, I got out the measuring tape! I had measured several areas before I started: neck, each upper arm, chest, diaphragm, waist, abs, hips, each upper thigh, each upper knee and each calf. Total inches lost from all areas is 34 inches!!! 4 inches each from my waist, abs & hips, then trickles down to half an inch in places like my neck and calves.
So to see all those changes really helped!! I'll take those two pounds, thank you!! All the way to the clothing store to get new pants! (They are SO baggy!!)

Day 62 - I Joined A Gym!

I couldn't sleep yesterday morning. It was really early. I think to myself, "What do people DO this early?" (Besides my mom, who goes to work at 4am! Crazy, I know!!) The other crazies go to the gym!! I'll join a gym!!

There's me at the gym. Weird. Of course I've been IN a gym before. I have gone on guest passes with friends, but only used the treadmills. I've never been a member of a gym or used that equipment!! Scary!!

(And check out those saddlebags I mentioned in my last post! YUCK!!! I gotta get rid of those!!)

So I have a trainer who is teaching me all I need to know about the machines. I went again this morning and he made me do these things called SQUATS!! Seriously!?? Okay, my office is downstairs. No elevator. Yeah, it sucked.

But HEY! Check this out!!

Best pedometer steps to date!! And that's even with a 7 hour workday and 1 hour commute!!

Can a get a WHOOP! WHOOP!?

Day 61 - New Adventures

I got my Slicing & Dicing done this weekend!! YAY!!

Look at all that yummy produce in my new (to me) fridge!! 

The two oldest kids were gone all last week for camp. One came home sick and spent an entire day on the couch. The other came home (thankfully) excited. I worried about him the most and had nothing to worry about after all!! I was anticipating their arrival home all week and wanted to spend some time with them, but before I knew it they were both gone again!! One to their dad's, the other to my mom's to hang out with cousins. So the littlest, of course, wanted to go too!! Don't they know how much I missed them while they were gone??!!

No, probably not.

It left me time to get all my prep work done for the week, but it also left me lonely. I acquired a fridge, so I had that to work on as well as a huge pile of stinky laundry!

Then I was awake at 3am this morning. I tossed and turned until I realized it was futile. Despite all of my housework yesterday, I really didn't get a good workout in. I thought it was way too early to get on the treadmill and annoy my downstairs neighbors. So I left. Went & joined a gym. Just like that.

I hurt.

Day 60 - When you miss your former best friend

Ever have that moment you realize that your best friend is emotionally and mentally doing you more harm than good, so you distance yourself from him, then have a moment of complete depression and sadness that he's no longer in your life? Yeah. Having one of those kind of days.

Day 57 - Weigh-In Wedne.... Err.. Thursday!

Pounds I want to lose --- 100
Pounds down today ---  0
Total Pounds Lost --- 18
Pounds left to go --- 82


Crap! I had lost a few pounds over the last week, but then the scale started to yo-yo and I ended up back at zero. I felt so defeated, I went back to bed. Yes.... that's when I should have gotten on the treadmill. But I also was having withdrawals from my kids, so I felt justified. My two oldest have both gone camping for the week. My oldest has Asperger's and his favorite form of communication is text. His phone is home. It's hard.


My youngest was already at the babysitter's, but I ditched work and went to get her. We had a Mommy-Daughter lunch date. But I was really good and went to a salad bar and I drank iced tea. I wasn't out to blow my diet, just blow my schedule!!!


Also, my Sunday "Prep" day was interrupted by a mile long checklist of camping items!! I did not chop a single vegetable or fruit Sunday!! :(


Listen to all my excuses!! Blah! Blah! Blah!


It's time to get things rolling again! I have a friend who has asked me to try these wraps, so why not now?? They're supposed to help shrink? explode? scare away? fat cells. We'll see, huh? You're supposed to put them on any part of your body you would like to use it.. tummy, thighs, arms, back fat.. for at least 45 minutes. You can even sleep in it. Measure yourself before and after and see a noticeable difference. Sometimes right away, sometimes after 3 or 4 applications. There are some pictures that are... Meh, kinda see a difference. Then some pics that are YEAH RIGHT! She was also in Ab Boot Camp at the same time!!


I could pick any part of my body, really. But what do I hate the most? Saddlebags!! So here's what I'm going to do. I'm only going to use them on ONE saddlebag!! I'll go with my right side. I'll use 4 wraps. (Can only use one every 72 hours) And document my results.


They will either not be that effective or I will be lopsided!! HA! HA!!

Here goes nothing!!

Day 51 - How I'm feeling today

You know how there's a seven year itch with marriages? Well, I think there's a seven week itch with lifestyle changes. My last 3 blog posts have only been my Weigh-In Wednesday posts. I feel like I've had so much going on and so many things pulling me in different directions that I have neglected my blog. That's just a big ol' fat excuse and I HATE excuses, believe me!! And here I am laying it down! What the hell?!

Although it hasn't been all negative. There have been some refreshing and enlightening moments.

Work: My boss flies by the seat of her pants. Always has. Always will. I have been working for her for 8 years, it's not going to change, this I know. We're starting a new project and my issue is that my workload is about a quarter of what it usually is and I've been spending my time branding our name on social media. I used to use social media as "Me" and down time. No longer true. I want to come home and completely unplug.

Kids: They're out of school for the summer. Enough said.

Relationships: I mentioned in one of my first goal blogs that my relationship with men has always been toxic and I needed to stay away. Truth be told, I was still having the occasional chit chat and/or Sunday lunch/dinner with my ex. I was justifying it with the fact that we have a child together. But he was something I really needed to just quit! After our *last* break-up, one of several over the last 7 years, (big sigh) I was crying to a friend of mine how much I loved him. "No you don't! No you don't at all!! You're just comfortable!" I was irritated at the time. Who wants to be told that when they're hurt? All the warning signs were there, I just refused to believe it!

This was my theme song for him Fall by Annelise LeCheminant 

Do you have to be so charming?

Really you should come with a warning,

And save a lot of broken hearts.

I know right where you can start.

.... I don't want to fall.

If you don't fall for me too.

After starting this blog and concentrating on ME for the first time 4 years (I WAS thin & healthy 4 years ago!) I was able to FINALLY quit drinking the poison he was feeding me!! And it wasn't until I recognized the same symptoms in a dear friend of mine that my eyes were finally open and I felt FREE!!!!! SO FREE!!!! I huge weight just lifted off my shoulders!! I was no longer co-dependent on him for my well-being!! He is so negative and so down on life and everything to do with everyday breathing, he had dragged me down and I got comfortable there!

Thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog. It has helped keep me going through the first part of my journey. And the best advice I can give me friend? Start a blog! Start a blog now! I honestly think this blog and commitment to change has saved me from years of heartache!