Day 200 - THAT!!

I've been working on my new goals... 1) Overhaul my bedroom; 2) Do my hair & make-up daily; 3) Have lunch with my mom & kids; 4) Watch my tone with my kids.

I'm doing my hair & make-up...
Kid #1: "You have make-up on." Yes. Yes I do.
Kid #2: "Where are you going?" Nowhere. "Then why are you putting make-up on?" Because I just want to.
Kid #3: "Wow mommy! You look pretty!"
*There's the proof that this goal was a necessity*

Lunch with mom went a little differently than I hoped, but it was okay. I emailed her at work earlier this week, inviting her to go with me & the kids on Saturday. Her reply? "What bomb are you dropping on me now?" That hurt. But instead of replying with reaction to that, I just brushed it off. We went to a place we've never been to before so it wouldn't feel like the same old routine we usually get stuck in. Like a new start. Things went well until I told her we weren't coming over for Thanksgiving... maybe I did end up dropping a bomb? :(  *Heavy Sigh*

Boy was my bedroom dusty!! I wish I could get rid of the carpet!! I uncovered my bed and treadmill and have been sorting the items in the unpacked boxes. That is where I found a letter from February 1992 sent to me by my BFF. Not only has my soul sister been there for me through everything, and then some, and back again... it wasn't until I read this long lost letter did I realize how long she's been trying to get this message to penetrate my thick skull!!!

At the time she was doing her own life re-evaluation and was filling me in on her journey. At the end of the letter, she wrote:

... "Chris, there's so much to growing up that I never knew about. Happiness isn't in friends or lovers or even God. God put happiness in us. That's why we're human beings not human doings! Happiness and that peace that we've been searching for, it wasn't in drinking or using, it's not in our friends, because no friend can promise they'll be here forever. Fate could kill them tomorrow. It's in your very being deep in the pit of your gut, your soul. That part of you that never changes no matter where you live, how old you are, who you hang with, that part of you that's you and in yourself you find peace."

Day 197 - Coaching with Cara

Yes, I know how to eat healthy. Yes, I know how to exercise. Do I feel like doing it? No. 

My uncle just passed away. :( I went to his funeral yesterday. My cousin read his father's life sketch, recalling something he would ask the kids when they were little:

"Do you know Christopher Columbus?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Benjamin Franklin?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Abraham Lincoln?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Oliver Twittle-Dee?"

"No."

"That's because he gave up!"

I just found out it came from a song. Here I am on day 197 of my 365 day journey and all I want to do is sleep?? I can't give up now!! But to get back on track is easier said than done when you have no motivation and no one to hold you accountable. As long as my kids have clean clothes and food to eat, they don't care if I don't do much else. I'm not dating anyone, doing my hair or make-up isn't a priority and who knows the last time I shaved??

So that's when you get a life coach! I've been reading "Sparkle" and following The Champagne Diet's Cara on her Blog and Twitter It was time to enlist her services! I need a Champagne Makeover!!

Here are my new goals for the week:

* Do my hair and make-up every day.   This may seem silly to some, but when I work from home or my boss' home office, I can go several days looking very scary and could care very little... or even less. I'm still in my pj's right now, but I got up & did my hair & make-up today!! Before noon even!!

* Clean my bedroom.   And by clean, I mean major overhaul!! My room has become dump-ground central! Stash & shut the door! There are even unpacked boxes from my move NINE months ago! It's bringing me down and keeping company with this bad funk I'm stuck in!!

* Go out to lunch with only my mom & kids.   This is a short and long-term goal. In my attempt to re-program my thoughts and actions of the last 40 years, I need to begin to find a new type of relationship with my mom.... that does not include my dad.

And I added one more:

* Even when I'm having a bad day, be mindful of my tone and temper with my children.   It seems soooo much easier to be short & snippety when you're in a bad mood or don't want to be bothered. But I'm the mama. They need me to be kind and loving, not grouchy!

As Cara says, "Healthy is the New Skinny!" And getting rid of the clutter of both environment and mind is part of this healthy process. The weight loss will follow....

Day 194 - Losing All Hope Was Freedom

I'm alive!! I haven't been on here in awhile. Who would've thought "The New Me" was going to be so tough? When I started this blog, I wanted to lose weight; find a way to maximize the hours in my day; and be a better mom.

I knew I had to rid myself of toxic relationships, i.e. MEN. But I didn't know that meant involving my parents. My counselor told me there was nothing I could do for them. It really irritated me. Of course there's nothing I can DO on their behalf. But to say there is NOTHING... No! I can tell them how I feel and then become an example to them and my children. That is not nothing, that is HUGE when coming from a family who likes to sweep everything under the rug!!

When I spoke to them about MY issues and the roles they played in my life, (there was no BLAMING going on!) both of their reactions were of weakness. They have fallen off this mental higher pedestal I had them on. Several emotions soon followed. Sadness. Anger. WTF? Really? I have to accept that my parents are human beings with emotional and self-esteem issues. Perception of my life completely changed.

So "Losing All Hope Was Freedom!" I felt like this was finally it. The place where the new today finally begins. Realizing that my ex was never going to change, ever; my parents can choose to be miserable without me around; my siblings can be for or against me; I know who my true friends are, the rest didn't matter...

But now I feel like I've hit another funk. I just want to sleep. Oh! And don't forget eat & drink!! Sigh. I glanced at the scale this morning, convinced I had put on at least 10 pounds. Only 2. Not that bad.

I NEED TO FIND MY MOJO AGAIN!!!!