Day 314 - I Can't Give Up Now!!!

51 days until my year is up. I know what I need to do now.

Day 279 - Okay! I have new goals!

Okay, here are my new goals I've been jotting down today...

Exercise. No brainer.

Lose 8 pounds by March 1st. I think that's realistic. (Especially when goal #1 goes into effect).

Hair & Make-Up Daily. I was doing this before, but having a cold makes it the furthest thing on the priority list and I got out of the habit!

Limit TV. The whole sick thing again, I got lazy.

No Wine Sun-Thurs Nights. I enjoy/savor it more on a Friday/Saturday night if I've gone without it all week.

Stop Cursing. Mama's got a potty mouth lately, what's up with that?!?

Come up with a Daily Positive Affirmation. I have two kids currently doing this... and it's WORKING. Duh.

Looking over this list, I know some of them need to be refined. (TV) And I will add "Go to the gym" to the exercise one, because I know it's not going to happen at home. That is where the laziness festers. I will also get a curse jar that I have to put money in, the kids will LOVE that!!

Any comments or suggestions to refine or make these goals more specific are more than welcome! :)

Day 279 - I Need Some New Goals

I'm just coasting through life again!! :( Going straight from a business trip to being sick... and crappy weather doesn't help at all. Excuses, excuses I know! It's just so hard to get your ass moving! (But you know that's the only thing that will help)!

So I am going to come up with some new goals today. I will post them later and STICK TO THEM!! I've got to get out of these winter blues! BADLY!!

Day 245 - I Remembered My Blog Password

Okay... it's really not my blog password I lost. It was my motivation!! Life throws curve balls out and by the time you decide how you're going to swing at it, you look up and realize that the stadium lights are all off and everyone has gone home. So I'm sorry if I've left you waiting around.

My son has been struggling a lot lately and I took my focus off myself. He was having anxiety attacks and many MANY many times, it was getting the best of him and affecting his school life, home life, friendships, family, everything!! I was having to leave work early to go help him out. One day I asked the principal if they were hiring, I was at the school so often!! So I took some time off! From focusing on myself, from work, from ... everything!!

It took a lot of convincing, but he finally agreed to see a counselor. When he was in his worst moments, he was angry at me and blaming me for all of the changes we faced in 2012. Moving, switching schools, new friends, new church, less extended family time. It was too overwhelming for him and he needed someone to talk to instead of blame. We were able to talk rationally about it when he was feeling good and we were able to come up with ideas & solutions... but it would all disappear upon his feeling panic coming on. What's worse, is he would start talking extremely negatively, that he hated himself and he just wanted it all to end.

Over and over I would encourage him to change his thoughts. I would ask him to just start saying he was okay, instead of focusing on how miserable he felt. After about a dozen times saying, "I can't!" he would finally scream, "I AM HAPPY!! Okay? Are you happy now?" Baby steps. Deep breath. Baby steps.

For the past month & a half, I have been working with the amazing Champagne Diet's Cara, who has been encouraging me to make small little changes in my life that add up to a well and healthy lifestyle. It's not only about what I eat & how much I exercise, it's about taking control of your thoughts and energy you're putting out to the world. It's about caring what I look like when I leave the house; it's about slowing down and getting extra hugs in; it's about turning off technology on a regular basis. I wanted to become an "in-action" example to my children instead of just always telling them what to do or how to be.

But my son's actions were calling for an intervention and I'm still myself, a work in-progress. One particularly rough morning, I told him to think of it this way, "All of these events that have happened this past year, causing all these changes to your life, happens to EVERYONE! You can take the exact same event, happening to ten different people, and you will get ten different outcomes. Why? Because of ten different THOUGHTS! It's your thoughts that are causing your pain, not moving, not switching schools, not being able to see your old friends every day! Find ONE POSITIVE thing about each of these things causing you pain and build on THAT, not the EVENT itself. That can never be changed."

I left him to soak it all in and headed to work. I'm listening to a morning radio show and the guest they have on says, "We teach what we need to learn."

*A-HA MOMENT*

I think I even heard the *click* in my brain.

The past does not exist and neither does the future. I have right now. I'm back.

Day 200 - THAT!!

I've been working on my new goals... 1) Overhaul my bedroom; 2) Do my hair & make-up daily; 3) Have lunch with my mom & kids; 4) Watch my tone with my kids.

I'm doing my hair & make-up...
Kid #1: "You have make-up on." Yes. Yes I do.
Kid #2: "Where are you going?" Nowhere. "Then why are you putting make-up on?" Because I just want to.
Kid #3: "Wow mommy! You look pretty!"
*There's the proof that this goal was a necessity*

Lunch with mom went a little differently than I hoped, but it was okay. I emailed her at work earlier this week, inviting her to go with me & the kids on Saturday. Her reply? "What bomb are you dropping on me now?" That hurt. But instead of replying with reaction to that, I just brushed it off. We went to a place we've never been to before so it wouldn't feel like the same old routine we usually get stuck in. Like a new start. Things went well until I told her we weren't coming over for Thanksgiving... maybe I did end up dropping a bomb? :(  *Heavy Sigh*

Boy was my bedroom dusty!! I wish I could get rid of the carpet!! I uncovered my bed and treadmill and have been sorting the items in the unpacked boxes. That is where I found a letter from February 1992 sent to me by my BFF. Not only has my soul sister been there for me through everything, and then some, and back again... it wasn't until I read this long lost letter did I realize how long she's been trying to get this message to penetrate my thick skull!!!

At the time she was doing her own life re-evaluation and was filling me in on her journey. At the end of the letter, she wrote:

... "Chris, there's so much to growing up that I never knew about. Happiness isn't in friends or lovers or even God. God put happiness in us. That's why we're human beings not human doings! Happiness and that peace that we've been searching for, it wasn't in drinking or using, it's not in our friends, because no friend can promise they'll be here forever. Fate could kill them tomorrow. It's in your very being deep in the pit of your gut, your soul. That part of you that never changes no matter where you live, how old you are, who you hang with, that part of you that's you and in yourself you find peace."

Day 197 - Coaching with Cara

Yes, I know how to eat healthy. Yes, I know how to exercise. Do I feel like doing it? No. 

My uncle just passed away. :( I went to his funeral yesterday. My cousin read his father's life sketch, recalling something he would ask the kids when they were little:

"Do you know Christopher Columbus?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Benjamin Franklin?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Abraham Lincoln?"

"Yes."

"Do you know Oliver Twittle-Dee?"

"No."

"That's because he gave up!"

I just found out it came from a song. Here I am on day 197 of my 365 day journey and all I want to do is sleep?? I can't give up now!! But to get back on track is easier said than done when you have no motivation and no one to hold you accountable. As long as my kids have clean clothes and food to eat, they don't care if I don't do much else. I'm not dating anyone, doing my hair or make-up isn't a priority and who knows the last time I shaved??

So that's when you get a life coach! I've been reading "Sparkle" and following The Champagne Diet's Cara on her Blog and Twitter It was time to enlist her services! I need a Champagne Makeover!!

Here are my new goals for the week:

* Do my hair and make-up every day.   This may seem silly to some, but when I work from home or my boss' home office, I can go several days looking very scary and could care very little... or even less. I'm still in my pj's right now, but I got up & did my hair & make-up today!! Before noon even!!

* Clean my bedroom.   And by clean, I mean major overhaul!! My room has become dump-ground central! Stash & shut the door! There are even unpacked boxes from my move NINE months ago! It's bringing me down and keeping company with this bad funk I'm stuck in!!

* Go out to lunch with only my mom & kids.   This is a short and long-term goal. In my attempt to re-program my thoughts and actions of the last 40 years, I need to begin to find a new type of relationship with my mom.... that does not include my dad.

And I added one more:

* Even when I'm having a bad day, be mindful of my tone and temper with my children.   It seems soooo much easier to be short & snippety when you're in a bad mood or don't want to be bothered. But I'm the mama. They need me to be kind and loving, not grouchy!

As Cara says, "Healthy is the New Skinny!" And getting rid of the clutter of both environment and mind is part of this healthy process. The weight loss will follow....

Day 194 - Losing All Hope Was Freedom

I'm alive!! I haven't been on here in awhile. Who would've thought "The New Me" was going to be so tough? When I started this blog, I wanted to lose weight; find a way to maximize the hours in my day; and be a better mom.

I knew I had to rid myself of toxic relationships, i.e. MEN. But I didn't know that meant involving my parents. My counselor told me there was nothing I could do for them. It really irritated me. Of course there's nothing I can DO on their behalf. But to say there is NOTHING... No! I can tell them how I feel and then become an example to them and my children. That is not nothing, that is HUGE when coming from a family who likes to sweep everything under the rug!!

When I spoke to them about MY issues and the roles they played in my life, (there was no BLAMING going on!) both of their reactions were of weakness. They have fallen off this mental higher pedestal I had them on. Several emotions soon followed. Sadness. Anger. WTF? Really? I have to accept that my parents are human beings with emotional and self-esteem issues. Perception of my life completely changed.

So "Losing All Hope Was Freedom!" I felt like this was finally it. The place where the new today finally begins. Realizing that my ex was never going to change, ever; my parents can choose to be miserable without me around; my siblings can be for or against me; I know who my true friends are, the rest didn't matter...

But now I feel like I've hit another funk. I just want to sleep. Oh! And don't forget eat & drink!! Sigh. I glanced at the scale this morning, convinced I had put on at least 10 pounds. Only 2. Not that bad.

I NEED TO FIND MY MOJO AGAIN!!!!